(Editors note: Some parts of this episode are made up . Some are true. And some are just mean. Artistic license has been interpreted to mean “Because I can “. See if you can spot which is which )
Sometime ago we flew from San Diego to head back to Seattle. By itself this should have been a fairly uneventful trip , nothing to write about etc, etc but clearly I did not count on the the fiendish ingenuity of the TSA, the airlines involved and of course the cabin crew
To start with , at San Diego I realized things would be a little different when we had to walk on the tarmac to the plane. At first I could not quite understand what was expected of us , I mean there we were in the wide open spaces with a couple of toy display aircraft that were clearly models to amuse the children I mean they would never actually…. ,
“Please walk this way in a single file ladies and gentleman , yes Sir those planes can indeed fly, yes Ma’am with the passengers in the plane, No Sir the pilots will also be flying with you , Sir for the final time you may not double or nothing on your life insurance”
Thus with a certain sense of adventure and trepidation we entered the plane to see this ……
Now please note this looks really good in terms of the leather so think more like refugee camp reject furniture and you will begin to get the idea
Anyhow we managed to get to LAX ( I should point for the roller coaster ride aficionados, that you aint seen nothing till one of these babies goes through what the pilot called “minor turbulence” but I am referring to as anti-peristalsis on steroids. )
LAX , entry point to the City of angels, LAX gateway to the fabled land of dreams, nightmares and porn, LAX where Hollywood celebrities and you have a remote chance of oxygen carbon-dioxide exchange, LAX where um if you are on a commuter flight from San Diego you have to walk a mile across the tarmac in a mad rush to catch a connecting flight only to be told by a helpful TSA agent that you are in the wrong terminal , at this point the agent will turn over his shoulder to share the joke with his co –worker ”really Ernesto these people want to go to terminal 4 not 2 hahahahah estos idiotas estúpidos”.
So armed with the knowledge that we are the wrong terminal, and that our only hope of getting to the right terminal rests on the whims of Juan the bus driver who is currently off somewhere studying “Learn English in 30 days ,45 if you are a dummy”, I did what any reasonable Indian would. I pulled out my iPhone and checked my email.
Finally the bus arriveth. The TSA guard lets us through telling us sternly to walk in a single file into the bus. Somewhere behind us we hear a man phone his friend Jack. Soon three TSA guards wrestle him to the floor and helpfully tie his head to his ankles. We thank the fates above that we did not call Jack and say hi to him, and board the bus.
Gingerly I sit down and here’s where things get interesting\ridiculous. The bus is merrily driving across the tarmac and planes are landing and taking off and taxi-ing all around us. Now I know the incredibly well-oiled machine that is the ATC at LAX ( vive la TLA ) is taking care of all this but I am still wondering if this is an appropriate moment to have an anxiety attack when I see this little gem
This is by far the funniest sign I have seen in a really, really long time. I start laughing uproariously, when a sudden cold thought strikes my heart! what if Juan has only got to chapter 3 in his book ( The use of ‘a’ , ‘an’ and ‘the’ , controversies and nuances thereof ) . My blood turns to ice and my vision reaches a Zen-satori level of clarity. My world turns into a Kill Bill movie ( this time with a nekkid Uma Thurman) and in glorious Eastman Kodak colour I watch with a certain anticipation as the bus rushes towards the landing aircraft. In a split second I evaluate the possibility of flying through the window of the bus and cart-wheeling into the cockpit of the aircraft where I will distract the pilot with the story of “nihilism as a rap song” thus giving the other passengers in the bus the desperate few seconds they need to bash Juan on the head and stop the bus.
I review the plan, it seems flawless, but as bitter experience with longhorn( vista to the hoi polloi) has shown , one cannot plan for everything (or in the case of Vista sometimes one cannot plan for anything ). I take my first deep breath prior to the commencement of my strategy but a slight misstep causes the breath to go wrong and I find myself writhing on the floor battling a cough—aah despair, death, doom, and destruction.
JOY JOY Juan got to chapter 5 after all ( “what to wear when driving a bus that might be required to stop for aircraft” )
So he stops !!!!!
<Editors note : Juan was terribly embarrassed when passengers pointed out that in fact he has dressed most inappropriately for above occurrence )
Anyway back to reality, the bus driver idiot drops us of somewhere in the middle of what looks like Mordor in gray.
As as aside if you have not read and obsessed over “The Lord of the rings” this would be:
- a good time to start OR
- Kill yourself
After much huffing and puffing we find an artfully concealed flight of stairs and ascend upwards. We enter a terminal and our co-passengers erupt into joyous celebration. This must be what the D-day parade looked like. Hark!! in the distance I see a fair maiden sink to her knees to kiss the hallowed grounds of Terminal 3 but wait!! nope only a lost contact lens. Whilst we feel blessed at this near spiritual experience we are also reminded of course that Surgit amari aliquid quod in ipsis floribus angat( what is that you say , GODS ABOVE what are they teaching you plebeians these days ( translation:In the midst of the fountain of delight there arises something bitter, which stings in the very flowers) )<Editors Note: With ref to the delightful bit of Latin prose ( Surgit ….), due to certain complicated legal issues we are not able to comment on the cries of “stole it from Wodehouse did you” . We deeply regret the inconvenience >
A TSA guard , casually just sayin, asks us which airline are we on. Alaska we reply in one voice, reassured in the knowledge that we know the answer. Ah ha ,says the women who in certain angles undoubtedly resembles Helen of Troy although the effect is most believable in the dark , when you are asleep, in that case folks you will need to be at Terminal 4 , this of course is terminal 3. Repeat co-worker skit( get this Shevonne these folks are flying a Alaska and are in terminal 3 hahahaha stupid idiots )
NEXT TIME : In which we learn that it is possible to miss a flight , the long trip to terminal 4 ( scenic route ) and strange story of the passenger that would not snore and yet be really , really annoying
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