So Teachers day eh !

[Editors note: The Author is somewhat er um youth challenged and as such all of his memories harken to an era and age prior to the internets and what not , things may have changed somewhat . The author is not optimistic though ]
It's teachers day <traditional assorted salutations and congratulatory observances here>

I have to say during school ( std I - X ) I can count on my fingers the number of teachers who I have any respect for whatsoever .

Most of them sucked ass at their jobs with zero interest in teaching ( the bishops school to this day, on a per capita basis if I may, or the ratio of excellent teachers to not that great , remains leaps and bounds ahead of other institutions I have been in or heard about . It really has been in my own experience the one bright spot. Its position on corporal punishment continues to remain barbaric and outdated but you know nothing is perfect )

College (XI XII and FYBsc) its not fair to judge on my part since I attended a sum total of maybe 8 to ten lectures. Each and every one of those was an hour or so of my life I am never getting back . They all sucked uniformly

The next step in my journey of ha-ha learning was six years in Indore getting an MCA

Barring hmm 3 or four professors (over 11 semesters with six odd papers in each semester) the rest were truly abysmal like so bad that its hard to describe precisely in words how incompetent they were both at teaching and subject matter

I have often wondered how do you fix this . I have no kids so this is unlikely to directly affect me in anyway but lets say for a movement I am thinking about the general good ( yes I know I had to practice twice before I could type it with a straight face )

One obvious issue is that we are clearly ( in the past at least; I have no idea if anything has changed) attracting the wrong kinds of people to teaching .  The biggest difference between good great and lousy teachers has always been to me , very obviously, that the good ones are interested in teaching like genuinely interested they don’t see their job as anything but . Also a deep love of what they are teaching and an ability too impart a little bit of that to their students .
I have no idea what the free market solution to this is .

Currently teacher salaries suck. In general. I am going to assume this is a simple supply and demand problem . Too many teachers . And I am really not sure how you fix that

The other real issue IMO is the paying customer aka the parent has like zero insight into how awesome teachers are especially when the kids are around 13-14. First as a parent the only real metric you have are grades
If student grades were the only way to evaluate teachers it drives terrible incentives ( you teach to the test ) and also when I hit teenage I cannot imagine any scenario where I was discussing my teachers with my parents , like its not even close. No idea if kids have changed that  much today but I mean come on …

So what does the customer do then in this case?

And finally the really tough one… I have been in spite of thinking about this multiple times unable to come up with a  way to decide who good teachers are on a metric based basis.
If was a principal and I had to do performance reviews how do you even start  where teachers are concerned

There are no bottom line metrics you can measure

There are no 360 degree reviews that would make sense and peer reviews are also meaningless since teaching is not a team sport

You could solicit parental feedback but again kind of brain dead

There are no  commitments based ratings that make sense

So we are left with a very very high degree of subjectivity at the hands of the principal.

The one thing I would love to see is schools identifying great teachers and paying them extra to train incoming teachers or current teachers who are not that great but again subjectivity abounds

There is a class of profession where if you get better it means very little to anyone and so getting better will not result in any rewards for you from your customers or your boss

For example a barista who makes better coffee… no one cares Starbucks cannot set pricing around it  or salaries

A server who typically averages 10 to 12 % tips gets twice as good at his / her job sorry you are not going to magically start averaging 25% tips

A personal trainer who suddenly gets much better can raise their rates but its doesn’t line up neatly with their skill level market pressures around a variety of factors will start interfering .

even jobs where you can rewarded more as you get better ( software developer  for example ) start hitting all kinds of barriers no matter how much you keep improving

My biggest fear and sneaking suspicions is that teaching is one of those areas in a very strong way.

Where as long as you are not a total fuck up and sometimes even then , there is zero incentive for you to improve as a teacher especially if you really don’t love or hate the job, its just a job ( and don’t even get me started about teachers unions )
I have no idea how you fix that  so to sum up the kids are all totes screwed but it will probably come out ok in the end ( or not which is always the hallmark of a good drama )

Einstein , and the annual review

AT MSFT , like most other corporations , they have what they call a level for all employees . It is numerical thing that basically completely defines you and establishes your worth  ( yes sad I know ). Some levels however are quite special viz levels 62 64 and 67.
These are what I call the “Nope no lubricant for you today either” levels . You see 63 is a senior level 65 Principal and 68 be partner laddie.

Clearly these levels must be insanely desirable I can think of no other reason why the ( 62,64,67) folks put up with the insane BS that they have to , to get to the blessed levels .

However what is often lost in all this, is the incredible hardships the managers of the lube free levels have to put up with .
Imagine if you will,  you have a level 64 working for you . You know that   (s)he hates you for no other reason than that fact that nominally at least you are depriving him of getting to blissvana and you have to constantly keep coming with creative reasons why you are not promoting them.( you will find this story works just as well if you have a level 62/67 working for you )
Well be of good cheer manager people I will now tell you an inspirational story , that you may use as you see fit to deal with the employees who are constantly clamouring for recognition and promotions ( sometimes at the same time )

In 1905 Albert Einstein  worked as a technical assistant, level III in the patent office in Berne.
It is not very clear what exactly Einstein achieved at work during that year however in what can be only considered a remarkable achievement by Google’s 20% self improvement principle and Steve Jobs  ( what ! he is responsible for all awesomeness don’t you know ) he did manage to do some useful work outside of his immediate scope and visibility . Amongst other things Einstein authored in that one year( bolding mine )

1. Concerning an Heuristic Point of View Toward the Emission and Transformation of Light
       Explanation of the photoelectric effect with use of the quantum hypothesis of Planck. Light is a flow of corpuscular objects with definite energies - Planck's quanta of energy.
2. On the Movement of Small Particles Suspended in Stationary Liquids Required by the Molecular-Kinetic Theory of Heat.
   explained Brownian motion, the unpredictable movement of tiny particles, as a result of the molecular action hypothesized by atomic theory
3. On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies.
      Invention of the theory of special relativity. Beginnings of the relativistic era in physics.
4. Does the Inertia of a Body Depend upon its Energy Content?     Invention of the theory of special relativity, E = mc2. Beginnings of the relativistic era in physics

This story has a happy ending for you see in 1906 after some sort of review process, Albert Einstein was promoted to  technical assistant, level II in the  patent office . ( In later years of course he was a complete failure at the patent office never reaching level 1 and eventually quitting but why go into all that now )

So when your annoying report keeps pestering you about what they need to do , to get promoted, always remember what Einstein had to do ! ( and and remind them as well otherwise…. )

In which we meet a MSFT Technical Fellow

The other day I was at the MSFT store ( it happens ) and I buying a phone ( see here why this actually was a good idea ).

The salesgirl ( assuming that is still the politically correct term or are we doing “economic stimulus facilitator “ now , who can tell ) was your usual bubbly, fake smile till it hurts , completely technically illiterate person( we’ll just call her Tiffany/Amber or T&A it makes things easier ) but it was’nt that bad, I knew what I wanted and there was very little um scope for her to screw anything up

Regardless T&A somehow managed to get something wrong and next thing I knew she was like “Can you wait for about five minutes,they’re getting the phone out from back”

So we waited chatted and as is often the case ( without sounding like an ass ) I had her laughing out loud ( not the emoticon the real thing) in pretty quick order

The phone arrived and it turned out getting ATT to do the right thing in terms of a discount was somewhat beyond T&A’s training . So naturally Bob or Dick or Jim or some such dude “the one somewhat technically aware fellow” ( oh so that's what Technical fellow at MSFT means eh !) was summoned with batted eyelash and heaving bosom .

Next thing I know the  MSFT technical fellow was battling furiously with the ATT website ( it was like watching gladiator with better lighting and even better music ) while me  and T&A  were still making giggleworthy small talk

At this point enter the white pasty MSFT uber geek from stage right . He walks up to us and well in about a minute establishes himself as a total asshole which really was quite impressive.

During the whole time he would like say something to t&a then look away stare at his phone etc and then he finally bought something . At this point we moved into the truly “can you actually behave like this in public” scenario

The girl asked him a series of questions (annoying ones to be sure like “Do you have an email address with us “ ) to which this guy replies in the most rude way possible without being actually rude BUT the whole fucking time the guy is like glued to his phone and typing away furiously .

Does not even look at her once; like not even close and his answers get shorter and curter till it feels like he is exclusively talking in acronyms only .
I’m watching the whole thing ( while making encouraging noises to the technical fellow)  and the girl is getting redder and redder and more upset by the second while the guy either through sheer cluelessness or pure deutschbaggery continues to treat her like a very boring piece of furniture that should be in a garage sale soon

The idiot leaves. My TF wins the battle with ATT does some sort of victory lap and leaves to fetch my phone

The girl and I are looking at each other and she is clearly so fucking pissed that she is close to tears, undoubtedly she wants to say so much but this is her job I am a total stranger and you know whatever!

I commiserate with her “They can’t be all that bad yeah”

Note to self : always be prepared that people will answer a rhetorical question

She gives me like a half smile and goes “Most are”

“I’m a person you know!  just look at me when you talk to me how hard can that be”

and she ranted for a while, boy did she rant, and it was not angry it was just fucking sad !

I got the phone and left

Like everyone else I am absolutely certain I have been guilty of prioritizing my phone screen over the person I talk to . I’ve tried very hard to be mindful of this since then ( almost definitely like every other resolution to be a better person in my life it won’t last )and have caught myself twice doing this twice since, once at the  gym ( well I was there for the Jacuzzi) with the person checking me in  and once at the bank while depositing a cheque ( in my defense in both cases someone was wrong about something on Face book and it was clearly critical that I respond instantly )

I am not even going to count how people behave around people they know,  with their phones. Its just baffling how insanely rude most of us are about this and how we just accept it . How is that damn screen more important than a real human being trying to interact with you . I am not trying to be all holier than thou here I am as guilty of this (more so probably )as everyone , but if you step back and think about it , it is pretty amazing and not exactly in a good way

Like everything else on this blog there is almost no point to be made here, but I did get to see how someone, who deals with people, who just don't even bother to hide the fact that they ( people) don’t care about said person existing or not ( or at least behave like it ) everyday actually feels about it . WAS NOT PRETTY !

er although if you are reading this on your phone please don’t stop :-)

<insert joke here to end on happy note>

MBA Case Study Part troix

 

In past case studies here and here  we looked at various aspects of business strategy. Today we will be looking at certain complicated issues around workplace ethics.

You are happily married. You are also strangely attracted to your boss culminating in regular adulterous carnal events. Because balance is important you are also having an affair with a coworker. Please answer the following (it is important to keep in mind that you are happily married) multiple choice questions

1. Who are you cheating on?
   1. Your Spouse
   2. Your wife
   3. Your co worker
   4. Yourself by not having sex with more people
   5. Other ( please describe at length, in two to three sentences )
2. Your boss is indicating that she might be getting promoted soon thereby creating a vacancy for her position. Should you
   1. Insist that she promote you , thereby making sure that your one-on-one meeting with your boss and subordinate will be very hands on
   2. Insist that she promote your coworker so that your one-on-one with your boss and your skip level can be hands on
   3. Request to be sent on a campus recruitment trip to the top 10 party colleges of the year to set a good example
   4. Refrain from saying anything , this could be a trap
   5. Other
3. Your wife is pleasantly surprised by your improved skills in bed and in conversation asks you “darling where did you learn to do that :-)”. Should you
   1. Tell her you have enrolled in an ONLINE THEORY ONLY “Improve your Cliteracy™”  course
   2. Tell her you felt it was the right thing to do in your soul because you know  love
   3. Refrain from saying anything , this could be a trap
   4. Other
4. Your wife is unpleasantly shocked by your new moves in bed and right away yells “HEY where the hell did you get the idea that was ok!!!” Should you
   1. Say Anything
   2. Other
5. Your boss is thinking about firing your coworker. Should you
   1. Plead your coworkers case so you don't have to go to the trouble of convincing her replacement to have an affair with you
   2. Say that firing is too much and ask for her to be transferred to another department and unselfishly volunteer your time to find a replacement
   3. Request to be sent on a campus recruitment trip to the top 10 party colleges of the year to set a good example
   4. Other
6. In your opinion will hiring a nanny at this point in time Add or reduce balance  in your life
7. Would it make a difference(with ref to question 6) if you had children or not
8. What in your opinion is the secret to having a happy marriage like yours
9. Are there any industry specific factors to be considered when contemplating such an arrangement ( for example if you work in gay porn it might be hard well not hard exactly but anyway …)
10. Who is worse Monsanto or Walmart ( Editor’s Note : we believe the question makes more sense when you add the phrase “or you” at the end )

 

MBA Case Study Part Deux

Last time we dealt with some excellent issues around risk arbitrage . This time lets us move on to the wonderful topic of interpersonal relationships

 

You have just been promoted to manager of a fairly non prestigious product unit. (Your parents still seem to think you would have been better served by joining the IAS ). In your first staff meeting you conclude that two members on your team ( P and K ( A,B were taken ) ) have the following issues ; P is stupid, K only asks stupid Questions.

Please answer the following questions ( Note to students : The twitter text restriction is currently not in effect )

1. In the event  of a natural disaster which team member would you assign the job of calling Emergency Services.
2. If you had no choice in the matter who would you rather  harass sexually
3. What would you do of you had a choice !
4. Predict what will happen if K asks P a question
5. Take a moment to reflect on the futility of your life
6. Why did you not join the IAS
7. Which would you prefer Promoting P and listening to K’s questions about it or Promoting K and listening to his questions about it . Consider your answer  in the context of your own recent promotion
8. Who in your opinion is better suited to star in Thicke’s next video ( provide your answerer as an anime )
9. You and Miley Cyrus are both homo sapiens sapiens . How would you explain that to P. How does it make you feel

Steve and I

 

So I read some place on the internet  recently that Steve Ballmer has left Microsoft. I have to say I was a little surprised , not to mention everything that is being said about him , gosh I mean its a lot

My first memory of Steve was over a decade ago , like 13 years in fact, it was around 7 in the evening and it was a gorgeous Seattle summer evening and in the distance I could see him trying very hard to play basketball. It was obvious he totally sucked and so I tried to help him out with a few pointers but the flaw in that plan of course was that I sucked too and so you know it didn't really go anywhere but even back then I was stuck by his steely resolve and never say die attitude.

After the game we stopped at the local dive bar to share a drink and even then I was impressed at his ability to simplify and yet have deep insights. I will never forget as he looked at his plate and sighed “How do you tell the difference between calamari and pig rectum answer me that “

Definitely a sign of thing to come !

The next time I saw him was almost an year later at a Halloween Party where he had come as the ghost of stack ranking. I didn't get it then and I don't get it now but again his infectious energy and ability to throw chairs across the room while screaming “developer developers developers” was truly whimsical charming and magically surreal  . Turned out he was testing a spot for a viral campaign but the Seattle Urban developers League but still…

As an aside I left MSFT in 2006 and one of my definite regrets is that I did not stop by to say bye to him,  I was sure he would be leaving too and well while it took him 7 years to figure out what I had about MSFT ( he always was a little slow ) at least he got it in the end . There have been some rumors about how his exit allowed to him to reach a compensation model somewhat different than mine but I mean come on this was never about the money for either me or Steve ( Editors Note : Wait What now !)

Entrepreneur, thought leader, visionary, forward thinking genius, manger extraordinaire , Numbers man etc are all phrases ( some of which have even been used to describe Steve) but for me everything about the man could be distilled and boiled down to a single moment when I really think the very essence of his being shone through , We were at a Strip club in Lake City way celebrating a product launch and he said to me

< Editors Note : On Close examination of the facts and recollections in this article it has just emerged that the author has been talking about Steve KxrczxBallmer  a polish Lithuanian émigré from Estonia in the late 1990’s. Mr KxrczxBallmer  has confirmed that the “Kxrczx” portion of his name is silent and not pronounced. We regret any inadvertent confusion this may have caused and continue to stand by our original position viz. the author is an overpaid idiot .>

Threnody A tale in three or more parts

Chapter 2 : Iran

 

The Story so far

Blonde Was amazed at the quality of Dawlish’s intel. How the hell had the old man figured out Iran. Security had been air tight . Who the hell could have talked ? Dawlish was droning on in the background about “procedural violations”  and “breaches in the code of conduct “.
Blonde took a deep breath, his legendary powers of concentration coming to the fore
“There is just one thing Home Secretary”
“Cant it wait 007 I am just moving to the alliterative crescendo of my denunciation now “
“Sadly no , I fear I have found the fatal flaw in your argument about Iran “
“Really” ? “Oh yes most certainly”, “Are you sure 007”.” I think so Dawlish” “Well I cant wait to hear it then” “I was never in Iran last year”
The phone rang , it was the Imperial March from Star wars of course. Blonde was mildly interested at the coincidence , it was his habit to play this at his flat just before he undressed for the ladies.
“M here, I see hmm are you sure , this has been verified. Very well ”
“Gentleman an international crisis of incredible proportions has arisen , I fear this review will have to wait , Blonde your country needs you again “
“Blonde!”
“BLONDE !!!!”
“Oh sorry chief I was thinking about the time when Princess Leia… er never mind”
“What is the crisis dear lady” Lord Dawlish croaked
M took a deep breath . “ 14 hours Samsung and PSY ( gangnam style) and some other unknown entities successfully lobbied the govt of South Korea to retaliate for the whole rectangular button thing. The Koreans have now copyrighted and patented the use of the word baby in a pop song.  While no confirmation exists there a strong rumor that the North Koreans are planning to retaliate  against South Korea for thinking of this first by copyrighting about 50% of all rap video finger gestures or all of sign language no one is sure which yet “
Blonde smiled his incredibly lazy languid  yet strangely attractive smile. “You find this funny 007” Lord D snapped angrily.
“Well clearly the North Koreans don’t understand what retaliation means now do they” Blonde chortled
“That may well be 007” M said “ but have you considered the scope of this tragedy, if the South Koreans win this lawsuit it will be the end of civilization as we know it !!!!”
“oh come now chief isn't that a little..”
“The end I say , have you seen the modifications to the Brittany Spears song , that the Koreans have proposed “
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
How was I supposed to know
That somethin' wasn't right here
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're right out of sight yeah
Lord Dawlish staggered to pour himself a drink,  “Blonde you must fix this “
“How”
“M?”
M sighed “ He’s right you know 007 you need to fix this “
“Yes but How”
“The key of course is Apple , or samsung or PSY or the WTO hearing next week in Doha”
“Where do you think you should start ?”
Blonde thought hard and long
“I am going to start in Brazil” he announced
“But but but …”
“Precisely Lord D , you are smarter than I thought , it is about butts after all “ I am a guest judge at the http://www.missbumbumbrasil.com.br/candidatas/


Next Time “ Brazil”

Threnody a tale in three or more parts

Some where in London, July 2012

Richard Blonde( Blonde Dick to his friends just Blonde to others)  stood up and stretched. He was in a thoughtful mood which was strange for him . 20 Years !!!. 20 Years of loyal service to his Majesty’s Secret Service , from the mountains of Afghanistan to the rides of Disneyland , Blonde had seen it all ( well almost everything he never had seen M naked yet which was probably a good thing ) and now to be reduced to this !!
“Damn it this was getting positively maudlin” , Blonde told himself. Chin up old boy you’ve dealt with far worse , but that sinking feeling in his innards would not go away . He stared at his watch again , “she sure was taking her time” he thought .
Some where in London, Adjacent Room July 2012

The “She” in question was Lady Margret Bernadette  Ysobel Cunningham the current head of the MI 6.4.002.332  ; known far and wide as “M” . Her friends would have called her Margret but owing to the fact that she had no friends this was not a problem. M literally had seen everything included herself naked. That experience was still costing her a fortune in therapy especially because every time she opened  up to a therapist she had him killed.
“Send him in funnymoney”
Blonde strolled in , years of training making his gait seem almost panther like. “You know Lord Dawlish Blonde”. “Home Secretary a great pleasure “. “Thank you 007 a grave business this “
“Indeed”
“Yes someone seems to have killed Dr. Phil and I think..”
M cleared her throat , there was no doubt who was in charge, “Shall we begin gentlemen, we are gathered here today as required by subsection 4 Para 3 of the amended  MI6 code of conduct act”.
“As such I must now inform you Mr Richard Blonde that your annual performance review is underway”
Blonde sucked wind no matter how often he had told himself this would never happen…..
“You know how much  I prefer brevity Blonde so I will just say it , one the new improved ( M rolled her eyes)  performance metric scale ( PMS) where 1 indicates  excellence of the highest order and 5 requires a level reclassification hearing, you Blonde are a 5”
Blonde swore an oath and in one smooth motion moved to kill Lord Dawlish with his bare hands but in the end his training won out and he contented himself by turning a cartwheel.
“How could this happen Chief”?
The Home secretary interjected, “there is this thing called the calibration curve you see and we find..”
“One more word Lord Dawlish….”
“That will be enough Blonde” M growled, “The number is final and locked up we are here to discuss whether you are to be reclassified  as a Single O agent
Blonde could not believe his ears, his legs almost gave way. “Single O” was the  worst classification possible in this business.  You could not kill anyone on weekends , on weekdays you could not kill anyone after 5 PM 6 with DST. Your had to have your martinis stirred, you were not allowed to have sex with the hot chick and YOU HAD TO BANG the hot chicks fat or ugly friend( sometimes both ). It was a nightmare
Training will tell though , from the depths Blonde stirred, “I demand an administrative review”
“That is your right Double or Single Oh Seven ,  Lord Dawlish if you would please”
“Certainly dear Lady , well Blonde in the first place there is the question of your visibility “
“I AM A SECRET SERVICE AGENT SECRET SECRET !!!”
“Yes maybe but also you have been submitting all your status reports in the wrong format “
“WHAT !!!”
“And finally there is the issue of Iran last Year”
Iran!!! Consummate professional that he was Blonde’s expression did not betray a thing but his heart started racing
“Yes Iran”

Next Time “ Iran”

Farewell To Arms aka the great smart phone debate

A morceau ( in 5 acts though )

Act 1 Sometime last month:

An Autumn night, gorgeous weather , swirling wind gently blowing multi colored leaves along the sidewalk. Starbucks, the aroma of coffee in the air , laughter ,giggling ,music, people yakking on their phones.

In the corner the intrepid hero of our story ( that would be me ) sheepishly looks around and pulls out his phone, quickly starts up some music and hides it back in his pocket; furtive glances did anyone notice? Two tables away a sharp indrawn breath , an immaculately coiffured women can scarcely believe her eyes!! She leans over and tells her friend who looks at me with shock and disgust which then turn to gentle pity.

For you see gentle reader it is Nov 2010 and I am still carrying an iPhone 3.0, not 4.0 or even 3gs but 3.0 and this is Seattle where the baristas at Starbucks have opinions about WEP and WPA-PSK2.

I take a deep breath, NO MORE !!!!, enough of living like an outcast. Head over to the ATT store. Yeah we have “IT” in stock the clerk grunts. Great hook me up then

A harp plays in the background as angels lift me up and a warm glow of goodness all the way from Cupertino envelopes me , I am in the Jobs cocoon where all is right with the world .

6 phone calls later, to tell everyone I am now a fully functional member of the human race, I am struck by an odd co-incidence, almost no one I called seemed to be able to hear me very well , also two of the calls sort of dropped on me and in one case the phone just hung and required a reboot ( you heard me Scotty Reboot the iPhone now ). Clearly AT&T sucked !!!! god why they couldn’t get their act together was beyond me I mean just look at the super human goodness of APPL. I am cheered and I rejoice in the shadow of my Sheppard though the valley of AT&T

Act 2 THREE WEEKS LATER:

Winter. Cold. Harsh. Grief. Leaves Dead. Rain. Coffee Bitter. MY LORD! MY LORD! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME , for my god is a bitter vengeful god and the iPhone 4.0 is a joke of cosmic proportions.

Act 3: Elsewhere in the Universe :

Free Windows phones for the borg collective. It’s all they can talk about . a prototypical user using a prototype starts telling everyone on FB how extraordinary the Win Phone is . I am sorely tempted( also apps get written in Silver light as opposed to hahahahaha Objective C ). Plus the fact that I cant talk to anyone on the phone makes it a little hard to keep calling it a phone

Act 4: So you see I still own some MSFT stock

Same Store. Returning the godmobile. Clerk grunts a little . Samsung Focus? Thank you . the clerk takes my iPhone away , some embarrassment ensues when I refuse to let go and he has to start tugging at it. Since I am holding it around my groin area this excites some comment “ Look Mommy they are playing the game that Father Tim used to play with me “. Finally weeping gentle tears that run down to the floor and into the pacific sound I take the focus and leave. Make phone call , OMG crystal clear phone quality.

Act 5 Er so V3 is due when now ?

In the distance walking into the sunset our intrepid hero awaits ( not sure whether the iPhone 5 or Win phone 2.0 )

The story of my Life –Phase Two

MaKe Believe press and whatwereyouthinking Inc proudly present  “Mr. Chandran in the 21st Century” a joyous threnody in 3  parts a veritable magnum opus , New York Times says “What can we say”

In Part One we learnt almost nothing. Thus it only makes sense that I write about Part two.

Part Two: Going to California (2005-2009 )

By early 2005 it was clear to me that my job at that time was running its course .  Since I  still believed that software developers changed the world ( sometimes twice in a day )  and clearly the thing for me to do was to achieve even greater levels of meaningful impact I did the only thing possible—I went to work On Vista ( in all fairness to me it was still called Longhorn at that time , had I known it would eventually become Vista… :-) )

Just for the record if you have ever been er um lucky ( you heard me ) enough to own a Vista laptop and then you had to connect to a wireless network then the charming little wizard thingy that got you there would be me . Now that that is behind us..

So I’m at work one day( in early 2006)  listening to “going to California” by (who else ) Led Zep  when I get an email from an ex-softie who is apparently heading up a team in Intuit and they are doing some fabulously exciting amazing new cutting edge stuff. It sounded awesome although a little probing confirmed that yeah it was still tax software but not the regular boring 1040 or Schedule K1 boring fuddy-duddy stuff but the new improved amazingly flavoured taxtacular stuff . Well I mean how could I say no  to that.

Moving to California and thusly out of the ‘soft was probably one of the hardest decisions' I have made , for all its fault Microsoft is an amazing amazing company and it definitely made me a much much better developer and gave me a look at the challenges involved in shipping real software to millions of users There is a famous quote “A one in a million bug at MSFT means by end of day tomorrow “  and that is so true. It really is an incredible ride and I would recommend it everyone ( unless you are doing anything else of course :- )). But apart from that there's Seattle.

its kind of hard to describe but I love the Pacific northwest and at the time I knew we would miss it but hey CALIFORNIA YEAH !!

Also sometime  after I left so did BrianV ( rumour has it his new compensation package was slightly different than mine ) so I guess I was way ahead of the curve

Ok I am going to keep the California thing short except to say i) I HATED IT and ii) I HATED IT .

apart from everything else having to pay a 10% state income tax really sticks in my craw when nothing fucking works in that state. if wanted to be taxed to the bone and get no govt services why I could have just stayed back in India

A couple of really important things did happen while I was there though. It turned out that, EVEN IF you hire nekkid cheerleaders to come to the office everyday and massage you , tax software was about as exciting as watching paint dry  and just to be clear Intuit did not hire the cheerleaders and there were fairly clear that they weren't going to expense them either  so in 2007 I switched jobs again and joined a startup

By early 2009 we were so fed up of San Diego and wanted to come back to Seattle so badly that in June of 09 I convinced my boss to let me work remotely from Seattle and we moved back ( loud cheering) Cannot explain how thrilled I am to be back

In late 2009 it was obvious my startup was running out of cash to the point where they could no longer afford me , and then I did something which is still not fully sinking in – I decided to go to work for myself and you know exploit cheap labour back in India etc. It turned out Intuit was good for something after all I incorporated etc etc

But that boys and girls will be all nicely rounded of in Part 3

The Zumba Experience

Zumba: From the Latin for “ to make a fool of yourself in public while being simultaneously aware of your pelvis in ways you have never been aware of before “.

alt-def: HA like that ‘s what you're going to believe ???

So our local gym offers Zumba in two flavours , there's the paid , “if you have some sense of rhythm and wont make an absolute ass of yourself” version ( Yes!! this would be the one where the instructor looked at me and went “Er yes certainly well that is to say if you must participate well I mean I suppose technically er that is , I mean we could dim the lights, ha ha , or maybe you could stand in the corner and not move too much my dear fellow” when I asked him if this was the Zumba class.)

In sooth verily as the man said it is better to give than receive for when I gave him the news that I was asking for someone else and not me his relief was a joy to behold , made me feel like Santa Claus it did

And then there is the Fridays Night Free Zumba or as I like to call it “Darwin’s Theory explained in 15 easy pelvic Thrusts aka the strong will whirl and twirl the weak not so much”

Some months ago after some incredible arm twisting ( we’re talking “ if you love you then you would” arm twisting ) I consented to drop in on one of these Friday night shindigs. It did not go well.

<Editors Note: For privacy issues as well as our ongoing commitment to a cleaner nobler America and so that we may continue to support any and all efforts to save the kids , the actual events of the class have been regretfully censored>.

As a PSA I decided to categorize most of the participants there

< Editors Note: The author has assured us that his wife has a separate category ( the incredibly gorgeous one ) and so does not fit into any of the categories discussed below>

i) The Crazies I mean super passionate: These are the people who turn up early so that they can get a spot right up front to ahem “observe the instructors foot moments” a little better. While more study is required the author is convinced these are the same people who sat in the first bench during school and kept raising their hands when asked rhetorical questions during presentations.

ii) The competent: Show up on alternate weeks and have a grim look of someone who is about fight a WWF match but don't remember who was supposed to win . Every once in a while members of this group will show some flair and instead of treating a twirl as a structured 360 moment without losing balance will add a nice pelvic moment at the end. On certain occasions show a sense of “rhythm” as well . Some members of this group will eventually migrate to Group i

iii) Humans are born with a sense of rhythm and refutation thereof: This would be the group , which if I worked really hard like for a few years, I might get admission into, currently they keep mumbling about not being a good cultural fit

iv) The looky-loos : Toned women bending and grinding....MEN !!! ‘nuff said

Oh Well…

but since that night on quite a few occasions when I am feeling low and blue I stroll over to the viewing area to watch people Zumba( see Latin defn above ) and cheer myself up .

Tales From the Crypt : A Tale of two interviews Part One : Dressed for Success

In my long ( oh so long ) professional life like most of us I have conducted hundreds of interviews and have seen it all from the guys who are clearly smarter and brighter than me, thus allowing me to get on my high horse and exploit the fact that I am the one asking questions to the candidates who in my opinion have  managed to get stuck in Darwin's  waiting room somehow. Still some are absolute standouts in my mind……

The first job I did was at a place called Ruksun,  now for the six billion odd people who have never worked there you have my sincerest sympathies. I only stayed there for about an year but man it was hands down one of the greatest places to work ever.  Ruksun had made living and working at office 24/7 really really easy they were basically located in a bunch of bungalows with pretty awesome facilities for sleeping , bathing ( optional ) on site so it was not uncommon during crunch ( aka all the time) to hang out there for days on end  ( also fully functional pool table helped )

Anyhow so cut to a Saturday, I had been working without a break for silly things like bathing shaving etc for about 72 hrs ( did manage to grab some sleep though ).  Whilst words cant really do justice to my appearance lets just the say the UN Commission for refugees and homeless was offering me princely sums to appear in their advertisements to raise money . I also was wearing ( it was 9 in the morning on a Saturday for gods sake ) these incredibly short white shorts ( no they were not boxers although the diff was hard to tell ) and a T shirt which was half stain and half toothpaste and its color was somewhere between “Mystery’ and “Whaaaaa” .

So anyhow I was sort of lazing in the sun coffee in hand debating whether to go home or sleep or work when out of nowhere ( keep in mind this was 9 in the morning and I had not yet finished my coffee ) the HR lady turns up and half yells and half hisses at me  “Did you not remember you are supposed to interview fellow today”   ( it is a testament to what Ruksun stood for that in spite of almost an incredible degree of pain that flitted across her face on viewing me in all my sartorial splendour she did not suggest I spend some time on rejoining the human race )

So  I grabbed a copy of said resume and ambled over to the lobby. Picture if you will a brochure for the “what the well dressed man is wearing to a power interview”. Well our candidate could have walked right of the centerfold from his perfectly fitted  suit to his shiny shiny leather shoes to the knife like creases on his trousers the guy radiated supreme elegance. I meanwhile proceeded to carefully wipe my hands on my T shirt then realized my hands had gotten worse so then proceeded to wipe them on my shorts before shaking  hands with him.

It is rare to be able to realize fully how others view oneself but in this case the guys face was like the most expressive thing I have ever seen. Horror and anger were woven together so seamlessly that at first I thought he was having a stroke but then when you added the silent tear behind the laugh it was clear that what he really wanted was out  of here.

I can see it now , with hopes in his heart and song on his lips he must risen bright and early that morning  and chosen what to wear with so much care and thought and as he walked into the Ruksun Lobby he must have been filled with the confidence that comes to those whose shoes are polished just right and whose trouser creases are sharp and crisp and then ….. me

Interviews in Ruskun usually have two people interviewing the candidate and I forget who the other guy was and the interview itself was fairly boring ( he did not get the job ) but there was a moment that will stand out in my mind forever…., as a witty and whimsical attempt to break the ice , early on , I told the guy “Six months ago my friend I used to dress just like you , this is what Rusun has  reduced me to , and yes it will happen to you too .. Do you still want in”

I will never forget the actual pause on the guys face as he seriously considered this question , I could not help it I just started laughing hysterically ( which I am sure made he feel right at ease :- ) )

Next Time : What to do in a group discussion when someone like me is in charge AKA weep softly, curl up into a ball and whimper.

This India Part 5

Just back from Bangalore , in pune now

So far Bangalore has been a clear winner on this trip weather wise, also whilst I am sure the traffic sucks ass I was lucky not to  get into any jams as such. But of course as we all know by now Surgit amari aliquid quod in ipsis floribus angat.

One of the greatest pleasures in this trip for me personally has been the ability to pay someone to shave me , man I miss that in the US. I found one guy in Bellevue who dies a straight razor shave and it costs $50. well I mean …….

Cheap labour equals awesome barbers, waiters and what have you …hooray for overpopulation. Also a couple of weeks ago someone we know has a resident nurse to take care of them. Nurse had a cardiac incident and then folks in the house were trying to hail a cab/rickshaw and four of those bastards would not stop even when told there was a medical emergency. I guess overpopulation does reduce the intrinsic value of life as well. Damn!!

Begging is still an art form/valued skill clearly, and I had  this totally surreal moment in my head recently. I was at a barista and as I was coming out  this  lady\women\girl child with kid in tow was going

<Editors note: in orders to preserve the thematic integrity and narrative cohesion of this piece in place translation has been provided, any loss in intensity and impact is of course as per the Patna convention considered the readers fault”>

Her: Please Sir some money sir very hungry sir baby also hungry Sir

IN my head I am going “ Well Steve Doug James Paul Peter we really would welcome some extra offshore work you know”

Her: Have not eaten for a long time sir a little bit of money is all we need

Me: Yes we are six sigma lean agile extreme MSFT TLA JAVA HAHA certified

Her: Sir Sir Sir please Sir

Me: Certainly we can finish in 4 weeks what you want it localized for Pashtu and Swahili yes well then 5 weeks my dear fellow

I don't know for whatever reason looking at her all I could see  was every BPO software services blah blah blah company with their arms outstretched( this is not to ding anyone I am trying the same damn thing to make a living , it just popped into my head that's all ) . speaking off when I was growing up the phrase du jour was body shopping . Apparently that was too much high praise as it indicated someone was willing to pay for  ahem our bodies so now we have <cue drum roll>  “staff augmentation”. Neat no?

Back in pune now winding up vacation ,sad to go home but on the flip side my doggies :-) hooray.

This India( Part Cuatro)

The wedding is done and like most Indian weddings it was loud in parts it was hot it parts it was fun in parts and it there were enough tears and laughter to go around for everyone. Also a percentage of the population managed to get offended at something or the other and others got offended at the people who got offended still others were offended that someone else was offended before them for the pet thing they has planned on getting offended at and finally of the six thousand nine hundred odd idiotic suggestions made by distant relatives, moronic friends, all and sundry four turned out, on close investigation, to have some merit. In short a pretty good time was had by all.

In our youth one of the places we used to visit often to eat awesome cheap Chinese used to be a place called Eddie’s Kitchen ( no I have never met Eddie) , so anyway with the stars of nostalgia burning bright in our minds etc we showed up around 10 ish for dinner. The first intimation I received that things might have changed a little was the fact that all four of us found our arms sticking to the dinner mats. While I was still figuring this out it became clearer to us that the AC was not working, however there was a AC looking object that was working hard at generating noise thus saving him all the annoying trouble of music.

“Well ambience was never the thing here anyway the foods the thing” I tell myself and we all start of by ordering soups. OK short version everything went downhill very rapidly , the guy brings back 4 soups and disclaims all knowledge of which is which. I have never ever seen anything like that , the waiter told us “ how would he know which was which”. At this point the four of us finally figure it out by some trial and error and then my sis-in-law told the guy this manchow soup looked unlike any manchow she had ever seen. Mumbling to himself the guy took it away to fix and brought it back exactly the same only this time he has added some noodle on top. It was surreal.

Then things got really exciting , after the dude got out the food it turned out there was no silverware for anyone so I asked the guy to get us forks and knives and in what can only be described as the Nobel prize move for incompetence our man brings us back two pairs when there are four guests. I then asked him what his plans for the other two were at which point the guy goes and comes back with one more set it was soooo bad it was funny

The meal endedth and unbeknownst to us it turns out the table we were sitting out well it had only two legs and one end of the table was attached to the end of the wall on a ledge half an inch wide and by attached I am going with fevicol……yup as we were leaving the whole thing came crashing down would have been very entertaining for the other guests if there had been anyone else there ( another clue an empty joint on Saturday nights…)

How much sharper than the <insert metaphor> is the disappointment of a place that has been a staple of awesomeness once and now…. just the ashes of memories etc sigh

I go to Bangalore in a couple of days apart from all the other stuff I am going to be doing there am sooooo looking forward to meeting some really good friends from the past, lets hope they haven't stopped being awesome too :-)

also want to visit fanoos and koshys as well , lets hope they are doing well .

In other news the weight is slowly but surely coming back on . eff it the food is just too good I’ll go through the pain of getting rid of it again in the US

BP spill, where will it end am a little worried fucking asswipes….

This India (Part Tres )

Visited Crossword a few days ago. For the uninformed this would be like a barnes and noble right down to “yeah you can read the book without paying anything “ to even more drastic “we do returns within 15 days”. Very nice place I love it.

I think the only two retail outlets I can be happy at are tech related places like Frys ( worlds greatest store ) and bookshops.There is something about bookshops I just love, every time I enter one it feels like home, something I’ve grown up with my whole life, be it the crowded you cant browse thank you very much store like Manneys ( pune people will know) to the crossword of today. I have many, many things to thank my parents for and many to yell about as well :-) but making sure my brother and I would become life long lovers of reading was by far the greatest gift they’ve given us , all you new parents out there , make sure your kid(s) loves to read there is no faster path to knowledge and no easier way to stay entertained and trust they will thank you for it one day .

Napster , bit lord and iTunes pretty much made sure that CD shops are dead , the number of people in the 3 retail CD outlets in the US last year was probably less than the number of people at a jack the ripper fan club meeting, and I am guessing the Kindle will do the same to book stores( yes yes yes I have heard every argument there is for the feel of paper , try explaining that to the check in lady at an airport when she looks like a headmistress at an erring pupil and sadly nods her head “You sir are overweight … and so is your checked in luggage” < yeah that one hurt> )

The people who read tons of book have already spoken,they are migrating to the Kindle en masse and yet I cant bring myself to buy one, there’s just something about turning the pages , randomly sampling pages at a book store before making a buying decision etc( i have trouble shopping for books online I need to see the book so these days I decide what I want to buy at the sore then i come home and order it online , there is always a way) …….. on the other hand I am fairly sure this is the first sign of aging as well , this is the clearest I can recollect me objecting to a technological shift that is just logically better. I am basically yelling and screaming “In My time ….” We’ve all seen the old idiot who keeps using his chequebook at the check out counter instead of plastic and mumbling something about all this “new fangled stuff’ and although I’ve been as angry as anyone I’ve always sworn that I am not going to be that guy and I wonder is the Kindle my “chequebook story”. Stay tuned on that …

In other news the wedding ( Sanjyot’s cousin ) is proceeding along much like a force of nature :-) even as I writing this intense prep is on all around me … I am like an oasis of calm amongst a sea of you know not calm

ALSO FRIGGIN SPAM SMS IN THE COUNTRY IS AMAZINGLY ANNOYING. Urgh

More later

Shiny Happy People

On FaceBook ( where else ) the other day a friend of mine posed the age old Question, “why are diamonds a women's best friend”? Well I mean please the answer is obvious its because Dog was already taken. Given that men picked dogs and women diamonds it is instructive to compare and contrast a dog with a diamond. for the really really really socially and culturally inept I have taken the time to post some helpful guidelines including visual cues

DOGS

DIAMOND

Some other differences include

• Dogs are generally cheaper both to acquire and maintain
• Dogs are messier
• A dog is not forever
• Gifting someone a dog will not usually get you laid
• a diamond spelt backwards is dnomaid which to me is far more believable than the other one
• Paris Hilton does not know the diff between the two clearly
• walking your diamond and wearing your dog is generally considered bad form( unless of course… see PH explanation above )

This India ( Part Deux)

So did something incredibly brave the other day, I took a rickshaw and ventured into the streets, this was like real heat and grit and dust amazing stuff like being a participant in a reality show called “So you think you can act in a 80’s art movie”

Felt all pioneer like , Go west young man etc ( oh yeah I was driving down to the spa for a massage like I said I was brave not stupid )

Talking of rickshaws the other day I was in this cab and I was driving shotgun and the guy driving me was like a kid , nice guy we got talking and talk turned to politics somehow and so I asked him what Raj Thackeray was up to these days with all the non Marathi people go home thingy and so the kid thinks a little

“So sir when you do your job , you’re in software no ( I nod ) then you basically sit down think really hard and bang away at your keyboard because you want to make new softwares?” I was loathe to destroy this romantic notion of how software is built with tales of tiger-lockup off site program management meetings and six sigma lean agile non waterfall techniques and I mean I probably really should not mention aspect oriented pair programmed test driven lunacy I mean development so I just sort of agreed. “So Raj Thackeray also has a job sir and his job is to make sure people know about his party before the elections nahi to vote kaun dega unko”

By itself this incident means nothing but it was kind of nice to meet a slight example of an informed electorate. God I am so sick of these tea party idiots

In other news the lights went of the other day. Got inverter though so suck on that MSEB.

The food is still exquisite. I cant get enough of it ( yes yes yes I know what happens to the food later ) Pretty soon I will be moving out from home to get closer to the wedding site lets see how that goes.

Still have not found time to visit the Bishops School that veritable font of learning ( thank you Mr Beamon, rot in hell Mr < you know who you are > ) hopefully can get there while I am here, for all of its faults it still was an awesome place in retrospect.

Tried downloading a video ( 350 MB ) from my box in Seattle via TS and explorer said it would take 8 hrs… sigh but wait , wait genius to the rescue < cue mission impossible music >

1. First TS into Seattle box
2. TS into my go-daddy box from seattle box
3. Upload video to go-daddy box
4. download video using http to local india box

total time about 90 min as compared to the 8 hrs( the pipe sizes matter and the 8 hr case is the worst pipe case also i think the TS copy is way slower than http )

whooohoohahaha ( yes fine next week I’ll work on getting a life )

OK Quick Question if you ask someone to play you a Zeppelin song and they play Stairway to Heaven does this mean

1. They know nothing about zeppelin , this is the only song they have heard off
2. They think you know nothing about zeppelin so hope you know this one
3. They have heard plenty of Zeppelin and actually think this one is the best

Finally I leave you with this ( no reason at all )

He that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep----H.A

This India ( Part Uno )

So its been a week or so actually 10 days now I think since I got back to the country of my birth , land of my fore fathers, the India of the East ( wait what?? ). Man this place is just overwhelming both the good and the bad ( there is no indifferent though )

To start with this is my first Indian summer in 10 yrs …. GOOD NEWS there is no global warming . Also Indian street vendors are now making omelets without the need for any sort of fire, stove etc . The heat is un-friggin-real and if one more person tries to tell me mumbai is better than pune or vice-versa and talks about heat vs humidity I plan to drown them …in hot water. they can decide then once for all which is worse death by boiling or drowning in your perspiration. but I digress.. calm happy thoughts now cool thoughts

The food is beyond amazing like to die for ( also based on govt statistics very likely you will die from it ) one of my fave moments was when I realized the reason the dal makhani was soooo makhani was because the tadka was in ghee. I could literally see my arteries waving a white flag but not with too much energy though. And man what can I say about the kababs. Not kebobs or kabbobs or meat- on- a- stick but the heaven that is a well marinated flavoured reshmi kabbab hai hai. Did I mention paani poori.

Ok good moving on, the other almost incredibly mind numbingly amazing thing about this place is the traffic. How do I describe this now. Imagine if you will that bill gates has mated with Meghan fox( gratuitous pic somewhere below) and their offspring is

1. age appropriate
2. genetically endowed with all of Ms Fox’s looks
3. legally endowed with all of Mr Gates’ Money ( ok fine so this analogy has some holes in it )

Now further imagine that this women runs an ad in the paper saying that the first one billion people who want to have sex with her are welcome to and the winner will be getting all her money. Now imagine the rush to get to her place. Ok that is India during OFF-PEAK hours. Also my cab driver truly has a fantastic sense of irony and amazing dead-pan delivery, which he illustrated by telling me that rickshaw drivers in his opinion were the most dangerous drivers of all time , and as I started nodding , he calmly broke a red light turned into a one way in the wrong direction and then proceeded to nearly run over in quick succession a cyclist a dog a cow and then a rickshaw-walla. after which he gestured to the passing rickshaw guy to underscore his point, a bravura performance I have already sent his address to Mr. Daniel Day Lewis.

Managed to meet a bunch of friends of yore , clearly every one has traded in their carefree rocker days for the wonderful suburban life :-) ( too old to rock and roll to young to die :-) ). Was still pretty awesome though. Also everyone and their younger brother ( with a few exceptions ) works for a company(ies) that…….”count on the expertise and experience of its skilled architects and engineers to provide an excellent atmosphere for creative and practical solutions.” Also some of them provide “emphasis on thorough business analysis, robust architecture and clean code all brought together through effective use of agile processes ensures high quality and timely deliveries”.Also others have chosen to emphasize process-driven project management so that projects are handled carefully and professionally, at all times. And finally some “deliver custom applications and provide consulting grounded in reality; they help organizations become efficient through Agile and Lean practices and principles. By hiring exceptional people, we can solve our clients' biggest and most pressing problems. All of our services are offered both on and offshore, and are delivered with pride and passion.”

There who says India is not doing cutting edge awesome stuff in tech.

I think the biggest thing for me is the density of people man and how small the houses etc are here. The US is really blessed in terms of land per person. More later..

Sacks of Gold aka Caveat Emptor

So once again Wolfram and hart have been shown to be at the center of all things but for this episode we call them Goldman Sachs it seems. The financial crisis is well behind as Wall St and the politicians tell us and who amongst us would not believe them ( never mind that my 401 K is still stuck at 1 K  :-) ).    From the moment this nonsense started and everyone started blaming the folks who did not pay the loans back I personally felt something was very wrong with that picture. People not paying their loans back could not have caused this  level of death doom despair and destruction,  and of course now we all are way more familiar with CDS, CDO’s and my favourite the Synthetic CDO and then we have the Magnetaar trade ( Magnetaar is amazing definitely worth a post on its own )

But the attitude that amazes me the most is that “people should know what they are doing when it comes to investing your money after all its your money you should be careful about what your investment consultant does with it”.   BUYER BEWARE!!!!.

What a charming idea, so lets think this through some more

1) You to the doctors office complaining about a mild pain in your left buttock hoping of course that the cute nurse will want to conduct an hands on investigation ( oh sorry wrong post ) ..so you go to the Doctors office  complaining of a headache. The doctor prescribes a new drug incrediablekickbacksrus-azolex.

Unbeknownst to you you the makers of incrediablekickbacksrus-azolex are paying the doctor a commission for every drug he sells and one of the charming side  effects of this drug is on weekends you would start sounding like William Hung. Naturally you are not pleased and you rush back to the office ( on Monday ) to rave and rant at the Doctor. However you are completely mollified when the doctor points out that “If you had taken the time to do a degree in clinical pharmacology coupled with some classes on Neuro chemical disorders and a smidgin of genetic variation disorders and of course a quick study of  statistics  to evaluate the results of the lab results of the clinical studios on the drug you almost certainly would have known that this was going to happen to you . BUYER BEWARE!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that doctor was right after all….

2) It is that time again , aka time to buy a new car. but this time you are prepared and so the process goes incredibly smoothly and you pat yourself on the back ( well in your head anyway ) and  head out with your new pride and joy. Sadly what you did not know was that the car you bought was an absolute disaster because of course as it turns out there is only one place in town where you can get it serviced\fixed. Filled with the righteous anger of a Juvenal , you head back to the shop but thankfully a painful scene is averted as the dealer points out if you had only taken the time to do the mechanical Engg. degree( like your grand-dad suggested when you told him about computers )and had you super specialized in automotive construction and design and of course spent some time as an apprentice mechanic then this would clearly have never happened to you.. BUYER BEWARE!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that dealer was right after all….

3) I am thinking of painting the den( kindly stop giggling in the back .. what  ?yes well technically the wife is thinking of painting again but we are of one mind , yes well I would rather lie in bed eating pizza and watching tv but this  is awesome do it together fun time what? yes well .. oh shut up ) . So you head of the the holiest of the holy ( home depot of course ) and the nice friendly paint salesgirl  ( blonde since you ask )  tells you about this incredible new paint product called “craptasticInc”. Apparently it will make your walls glow like nothing you have seen and cure world hunger etc etc. In your minds eye you can already see what a spectacular finish this will look like , 8 hours later the paint has damaged the walls and roof  beyond repair your general contractor takes one look at the damage calls home and tells his kid not to worry and to start applying to the colleges after all ,” No no the fees won’t be a problem now”. You stare at the ruins of your dreams and hopes and head back to the store… damn chemical structural and materials management were the ones you did not study this time apparently ..BUYER BEWARE!!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that salesgirl was right after all….

By now I am sure the astute reader has noticed a trend while the vapid and concerned reader is amazed at how much bad luck I am having . I don't know anyone would agree with caveat emptor in any of the cases above so what is different with money. When I buy a product or SPECIALISED advice I pay for said product\service and as such am entitled to protection ( at least in a civilized society ) What is about money that makes otherwise sensible people say … “well its your money you should take care of it”. well its your health why blame the doctor and pharma if they poison you.

And the thing that blows my mind is Goldman saying “well the counterparties to this deal were banks to clearly they knew what they were doing and so we did not disclose the adversarial position we had on the deal with another client who oh by the way was also setting up the portfolio of what went into the Synthetic CDO” (  almost certainly most of this is legal , but well of course it is legal Goldman paid a lot of lobby money in the late nineties to get the law written for god’s sake )

Translation : Doctors are not entitled to any protection from fraudulent drugs and corrupt doctors

Closer-to-home-translation: I buy some software that installs a couple of root kits some malware etc  but that's my fault since as a software person  I clearly am supposed to know what I am doing. ( spelunk and grok the exe you lazy swine ).

I guess bottom line I don't understand the buyer beware attitude when it comes to investments…

 

Next Time : The magnetaar trade and damn why couldn't I have thought of that :-)

10 step plan to lose weight ( guaranteed or your money donated to a charity of my choosing)

At the start of this year I weighed about 273 pounds currently I have lost about 50 ish pounds ( which still makes me pretty fat ) but its been an interesting journey and I thought I’d condense everything I’ve learnt into 10 simple rules if you will( I just love giving back to the community don't you know )

< Editor’s Note : Some of these steps at first glance , or even the 1000th , seem unrelated to weight loss. Mr Chandran has assured us that we are entitled to our point of view.>

1) Donate your remote control to Goodwill

2) Eat your soup with chopsticks

3) Attempt to convince the patent office to patent of your latest invention , a bridge that goes half way across a river and then turns back making a giant horseshoe for people who tend to change their mind a lot.

4) Attempt step 3 only this time on the phone---using sign language

5) Learn mandarin from a Cantonese speaking instructor

6) Use the X box as a pair of dumbells

7) Watch the movie “Memento” backwards

8) Drink only between the hours of 09:00 to 08:00 hrs. Use the remaining hour wisely

9) Try and convince the IRS that your paunch is a dependant deduction

10) Also Eat less and Run more . Also.