Tales From the Crypt : A Tale of two interviews Part One : Dressed for Success

In my long ( oh so long ) professional life like most of us I have conducted hundreds of interviews and have seen it all from the guys who are clearly smarter and brighter than me, thus allowing me to get on my high horse and exploit the fact that I am the one asking questions to the candidates who in my opinion have  managed to get stuck in Darwin's  waiting room somehow. Still some are absolute standouts in my mind……

The first job I did was at a place called Ruksun,  now for the six billion odd people who have never worked there you have my sincerest sympathies. I only stayed there for about an year but man it was hands down one of the greatest places to work ever.  Ruksun had made living and working at office 24/7 really really easy they were basically located in a bunch of bungalows with pretty awesome facilities for sleeping , bathing ( optional ) on site so it was not uncommon during crunch ( aka all the time) to hang out there for days on end  ( also fully functional pool table helped )

Anyhow so cut to a Saturday, I had been working without a break for silly things like bathing shaving etc for about 72 hrs ( did manage to grab some sleep though ).  Whilst words cant really do justice to my appearance lets just the say the UN Commission for refugees and homeless was offering me princely sums to appear in their advertisements to raise money . I also was wearing ( it was 9 in the morning on a Saturday for gods sake ) these incredibly short white shorts ( no they were not boxers although the diff was hard to tell ) and a T shirt which was half stain and half toothpaste and its color was somewhere between “Mystery’ and “Whaaaaa” .

So anyhow I was sort of lazing in the sun coffee in hand debating whether to go home or sleep or work when out of nowhere ( keep in mind this was 9 in the morning and I had not yet finished my coffee ) the HR lady turns up and half yells and half hisses at me  “Did you not remember you are supposed to interview fellow today”   ( it is a testament to what Ruksun stood for that in spite of almost an incredible degree of pain that flitted across her face on viewing me in all my sartorial splendour she did not suggest I spend some time on rejoining the human race )

So  I grabbed a copy of said resume and ambled over to the lobby. Picture if you will a brochure for the “what the well dressed man is wearing to a power interview”. Well our candidate could have walked right of the centerfold from his perfectly fitted  suit to his shiny shiny leather shoes to the knife like creases on his trousers the guy radiated supreme elegance. I meanwhile proceeded to carefully wipe my hands on my T shirt then realized my hands had gotten worse so then proceeded to wipe them on my shorts before shaking  hands with him.

It is rare to be able to realize fully how others view oneself but in this case the guys face was like the most expressive thing I have ever seen. Horror and anger were woven together so seamlessly that at first I thought he was having a stroke but then when you added the silent tear behind the laugh it was clear that what he really wanted was out  of here.

I can see it now , with hopes in his heart and song on his lips he must risen bright and early that morning  and chosen what to wear with so much care and thought and as he walked into the Ruksun Lobby he must have been filled with the confidence that comes to those whose shoes are polished just right and whose trouser creases are sharp and crisp and then ….. me

Interviews in Ruskun usually have two people interviewing the candidate and I forget who the other guy was and the interview itself was fairly boring ( he did not get the job ) but there was a moment that will stand out in my mind forever…., as a witty and whimsical attempt to break the ice , early on , I told the guy “Six months ago my friend I used to dress just like you , this is what Rusun has  reduced me to , and yes it will happen to you too .. Do you still want in”

I will never forget the actual pause on the guys face as he seriously considered this question , I could not help it I just started laughing hysterically ( which I am sure made he feel right at ease :- ) )

Next Time : What to do in a group discussion when someone like me is in charge AKA weep softly, curl up into a ball and whimper.

Tales from ye older crypt

Editors Note: Every once in a while in an attempt to convince himself of the accuracy of his long term memory , the author will bring up some charming whimsical and yet insightful tale from his youth. Some artistic license, as  always is to be expected but the thematic accuracy  has been largely preserved. The names of various individuals have not been altered in any way since the author has no interest in  protecting anyone. However in some cases initials have been you used. You know who you are !!

Ye Firste Tale : She’s got the LOOK

 

Chapter 1  Prelude to a crisis

It was a dark time in Indore. Storm clouds were gathering in the distance. The armies of evil were amassing from the west and from the east the forces of darkness were conspiring . The north was not sure why they should have been singled out by the compass and the south was telling anyone who would listen , that in reality the magnetic south pole was the geographic north and so the compass actually favoured them…     The ring wraiths were  in full force and ominous sounds could be heard every night. The screams of the damned would chill men’s souls  and children would shiver in nameless dread. YUP the semester was coming to an end and exams would be upon us.

In these trying times we meet two intrepid practitioners of the dark arts of  computer science S.J, and  A.S, , who in their youthful exuberance are on a trip of fun and frolic to a godforsaken place called Mandu. I having a prior commitment to sleep could not make it ( Also a somewhat lengthy conversation I had with an Old Monk the night before might have played a part )

The trip itself was fairly uneventful, or so I am told ( there was a near death traffic incident but this was India where rather than keeping  to the left or keeping  to the right more esoteric rules like keeping to the shade  applied, so no real worries ). The other event was that some idiot managed to lose the keys to their Kinetic

 

and while this could have been  a problem thankfully the scooter was not locked and a local mechanic opened up the thing and hot wired it. Now of course you cant be doing that in front of a bunch of geeks and so next thing you know A.S and S.J were explaining to the mechanic about how from the moment they had been born their fondest dream was to learn how to start a Kinetic without having to worry about silly things like the ignition key. After much negotiation the dude spilled all,  and our intrepid duo was armed with *yes its true* knowledge

 

Chapter 2 :  *Bat eyelash ask for help, sit back and watch*

 

It was a dark time in Indore . Oh we’ve covered that already. Cool, So anyhow a few days later …

It was a lovely day , the birds were chirping the flowers blooming and er also some construction noise in the background and dust everywhere and well you get the idea.

I was walking into college a little late ( the monk had raised some very powerful ideas regarding Ice Vs Water and the subversive nature of lime cordial ) and in fact it was fair to say that all the lectures for the day were over so in many ways I was quite late.

As I entered the charming driveway that was my college

 

I could not help but notice a certain amount of aaah labour and commotion around a kinetic Honda parked in the driveway.

We now meet the another character in the soap opera that was my college ; Ms. Sancheti or Priyanka to her friends or anyone who did not want to look like an absolute ass calling her Sancheti.( as an aside and I’m just saying , I am typing this is Windows live writer and when I typed in priyanka the automatic spell checker suggested piranha:-). Not sure what to make of that . Priyanka had many a stellar quality including an almost superhuman ability to lose her scooter keys, and also she could turn a number of er people( with penises)  into er shall we say less than fully coherent human beings and convince them it was in their absolute best interest to help her by just sort of looking and sometimes  talking . I can only illustrate this by saying that when she announced to a bunch of  guys that she had lost her keys to the kinetic; one of the ideas seriously being considered was that she should sit on the kinetic and about 6 or 7 guys would take turns carrying her and the scooter about 10 odd km home. Thankfully better sense prevailed and the next idea was the everyone should spend about  24 hrs combing over the entire college using the grid method to locate her keys. There was some talk of offering a reward to the finder as well. Showing a rare combination of vision grit and loud voices our heroic duo calmly announced that they in fact could hotwire a Kinetic so would the idiots please leave. The fact that they had no tools did not deter them cause as one of them would recall later in telling the tale , “after all, all  Priyanka has to mention is that she needed tools and then we could sit back and watch who would win the race , the idiots running home to get them or the dudes racing to the shop to buy them” .

Like their illustrious forebears before them A.S and S.J were clearly masters of their domain. Oh what a heroic sight it was to watch them wrestle with screwdrivers, pliers and other paraphernalia  as they were clearly trying to teach the kinetic who was boss. I remember feeling at that time, WOW so this is what the Wright brothers must have felt like then.

So at any rate this then dear reader was the sight in front of me when I entered college. It was good and it was fine and I was just shooting the breeze when S.J took a  break from his back breaking labour to discuss strategy regarding the final assault that he and A.S were planning to make sure the forces of righteousness would prevail. There were a number of technical details ( who was responsible for arranging the soda and ice later etc ) that I wont trouble you with but in about 7 min ,we had a working plan in place. Events moved briskly after this , and shortly after a particularly tricky washer bolt combination had been nullified by a fine backhanded top spin screwdriver-in-the-wrench-for-leverage move the paneling succumbed and…. Houston we have access to the electrical subsystem.

Now that the specialized knowledge was about to be employed everyone stepped back, tension was running high as A.S carefully started caressing the wires , red, blue or black was the question in everyone’s mind. I meanwhile was idly twisting the handlebars of the kinetic and noticed something very, very interesting viz. it was locked. I was super impressed, not only did these guys know how to hotwire the system but they were going to break the lock without any damage to the vehicle ( the no-damage clause was something Priyanka was very clear about )

SO I walked over to S.J and congratulated him on how he had figured out on breaking the steering lock while preserving the spirit of the no damage clause. “What do you mean break the lock ?” he said. Well I responded if you don't break the lock and just hotwire the damn thing all she can do is drive around in  circles no?

“OH hmm yes quite so circles hmm ha-ha hmm” he said. And then he gave me a look. To the day I die I will not forget that look.  It turns out no one had though of this little detail. I could not help it,  this was in  fact when ROTFLMAO became real for me. Ah Friend of my youth  companion through thick and thin , brother in arms through 12 semesters of end terms , person with whom I have driven a Luna together, I feel for you . I weep bitter tears now when I think of how all your hopes were dashed and the pain you must have suffered. Then again WTF were you thinking not thinking it through huh?. Meanwhile A.S had finally made a decision re which wire to attack first but alas the news had to broken to him too. Oh yes got to see the look again. More ROTFLAMO, this time: keeping time to the beat of “We Will We Will Rock you”

Priyanka came over to enquire( and point out that on the third roll on the floor I had missed a beat ) and I took this opportunity to congratulate her on now having the ability to drive around in circles. Lets just say there was a look but it was slightly different  from S.J and A.S’s looks .  At this point some more of our friends were included in this little episode from Amar Chitra Katha  and don’t you know it half of them went about giving looks and the other half were taking ROTFLMAO to new levels er depths er spins well something.

Well that was it , I don't quite remember how it all got sorted out eventually everyone concluded that the entertainment section was over for the evening and went home and what of me dear reader why I had a date with the Old Monk of course

 

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT FROM THIS PARABLE : Not much

 

Some time the future ye Seconde Tale : Probabilistic methods theory and practice as applied to Mrs. Tokekars DCM Paper aka A.S wins we all loose