This India (Part Tres )

Visited Crossword a few days ago. For the uninformed this would be like a barnes and noble right down to “yeah you can read the book without paying anything “ to even more drastic “we do returns within 15 days”. Very nice place I love it.

I think the only two retail outlets I can be happy at are tech related places like Frys ( worlds greatest store ) and bookshops.There is something about bookshops I just love, every time I enter one it feels like home, something I’ve grown up with my whole life, be it the crowded you cant browse thank you very much store like Manneys ( pune people will know) to the crossword of today. I have many, many things to thank my parents for and many to yell about as well :-) but making sure my brother and I would become life long lovers of reading was by far the greatest gift they’ve given us , all you new parents out there , make sure your kid(s) loves to read there is no faster path to knowledge and no easier way to stay entertained and trust they will thank you for it one day .

Napster , bit lord and iTunes pretty much made sure that CD shops are dead , the number of people in the 3 retail CD outlets in the US last year was probably less than the number of people at a jack the ripper fan club meeting, and I am guessing the Kindle will do the same to book stores( yes yes yes I have heard every argument there is for the feel of paper , try explaining that to the check in lady at an airport when she looks like a headmistress at an erring pupil and sadly nods her head “You sir are overweight … and so is your checked in luggage” < yeah that one hurt> )

The people who read tons of book have already spoken,they are migrating to the Kindle en masse and yet I cant bring myself to buy one, there’s just something about turning the pages , randomly sampling pages at a book store before making a buying decision etc( i have trouble shopping for books online I need to see the book so these days I decide what I want to buy at the sore then i come home and order it online , there is always a way) …….. on the other hand I am fairly sure this is the first sign of aging as well , this is the clearest I can recollect me objecting to a technological shift that is just logically better. I am basically yelling and screaming “In My time ….” We’ve all seen the old idiot who keeps using his chequebook at the check out counter instead of plastic and mumbling something about all this “new fangled stuff’ and although I’ve been as angry as anyone I’ve always sworn that I am not going to be that guy and I wonder is the Kindle my “chequebook story”. Stay tuned on that …

In other news the wedding ( Sanjyot’s cousin ) is proceeding along much like a force of nature :-) even as I writing this intense prep is on all around me … I am like an oasis of calm amongst a sea of you know not calm

ALSO FRIGGIN SPAM SMS IN THE COUNTRY IS AMAZINGLY ANNOYING. Urgh

More later

Shiny Happy People

On FaceBook ( where else ) the other day a friend of mine posed the age old Question, “why are diamonds a women's best friend”? Well I mean please the answer is obvious its because Dog was already taken. Given that men picked dogs and women diamonds it is instructive to compare and contrast a dog with a diamond. for the really really really socially and culturally inept I have taken the time to post some helpful guidelines including visual cues

DOGS

DIAMOND

Some other differences include

• Dogs are generally cheaper both to acquire and maintain
• Dogs are messier
• A dog is not forever
• Gifting someone a dog will not usually get you laid
• a diamond spelt backwards is dnomaid which to me is far more believable than the other one
• Paris Hilton does not know the diff between the two clearly
• walking your diamond and wearing your dog is generally considered bad form( unless of course… see PH explanation above )

This India ( Part Deux)

So did something incredibly brave the other day, I took a rickshaw and ventured into the streets, this was like real heat and grit and dust amazing stuff like being a participant in a reality show called “So you think you can act in a 80’s art movie”

Felt all pioneer like , Go west young man etc ( oh yeah I was driving down to the spa for a massage like I said I was brave not stupid )

Talking of rickshaws the other day I was in this cab and I was driving shotgun and the guy driving me was like a kid , nice guy we got talking and talk turned to politics somehow and so I asked him what Raj Thackeray was up to these days with all the non Marathi people go home thingy and so the kid thinks a little

“So sir when you do your job , you’re in software no ( I nod ) then you basically sit down think really hard and bang away at your keyboard because you want to make new softwares?” I was loathe to destroy this romantic notion of how software is built with tales of tiger-lockup off site program management meetings and six sigma lean agile non waterfall techniques and I mean I probably really should not mention aspect oriented pair programmed test driven lunacy I mean development so I just sort of agreed. “So Raj Thackeray also has a job sir and his job is to make sure people know about his party before the elections nahi to vote kaun dega unko”

By itself this incident means nothing but it was kind of nice to meet a slight example of an informed electorate. God I am so sick of these tea party idiots

In other news the lights went of the other day. Got inverter though so suck on that MSEB.

The food is still exquisite. I cant get enough of it ( yes yes yes I know what happens to the food later ) Pretty soon I will be moving out from home to get closer to the wedding site lets see how that goes.

Still have not found time to visit the Bishops School that veritable font of learning ( thank you Mr Beamon, rot in hell Mr < you know who you are > ) hopefully can get there while I am here, for all of its faults it still was an awesome place in retrospect.

Tried downloading a video ( 350 MB ) from my box in Seattle via TS and explorer said it would take 8 hrs… sigh but wait , wait genius to the rescue < cue mission impossible music >

1. First TS into Seattle box
2. TS into my go-daddy box from seattle box
3. Upload video to go-daddy box
4. download video using http to local india box

total time about 90 min as compared to the 8 hrs( the pipe sizes matter and the 8 hr case is the worst pipe case also i think the TS copy is way slower than http )

whooohoohahaha ( yes fine next week I’ll work on getting a life )

OK Quick Question if you ask someone to play you a Zeppelin song and they play Stairway to Heaven does this mean

1. They know nothing about zeppelin , this is the only song they have heard off
2. They think you know nothing about zeppelin so hope you know this one
3. They have heard plenty of Zeppelin and actually think this one is the best

Finally I leave you with this ( no reason at all )

He that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep----H.A

This India ( Part Uno )

So its been a week or so actually 10 days now I think since I got back to the country of my birth , land of my fore fathers, the India of the East ( wait what?? ). Man this place is just overwhelming both the good and the bad ( there is no indifferent though )

To start with this is my first Indian summer in 10 yrs …. GOOD NEWS there is no global warming . Also Indian street vendors are now making omelets without the need for any sort of fire, stove etc . The heat is un-friggin-real and if one more person tries to tell me mumbai is better than pune or vice-versa and talks about heat vs humidity I plan to drown them …in hot water. they can decide then once for all which is worse death by boiling or drowning in your perspiration. but I digress.. calm happy thoughts now cool thoughts

The food is beyond amazing like to die for ( also based on govt statistics very likely you will die from it ) one of my fave moments was when I realized the reason the dal makhani was soooo makhani was because the tadka was in ghee. I could literally see my arteries waving a white flag but not with too much energy though. And man what can I say about the kababs. Not kebobs or kabbobs or meat- on- a- stick but the heaven that is a well marinated flavoured reshmi kabbab hai hai. Did I mention paani poori.

Ok good moving on, the other almost incredibly mind numbingly amazing thing about this place is the traffic. How do I describe this now. Imagine if you will that bill gates has mated with Meghan fox( gratuitous pic somewhere below) and their offspring is

1. age appropriate
2. genetically endowed with all of Ms Fox’s looks
3. legally endowed with all of Mr Gates’ Money ( ok fine so this analogy has some holes in it )

Now further imagine that this women runs an ad in the paper saying that the first one billion people who want to have sex with her are welcome to and the winner will be getting all her money. Now imagine the rush to get to her place. Ok that is India during OFF-PEAK hours. Also my cab driver truly has a fantastic sense of irony and amazing dead-pan delivery, which he illustrated by telling me that rickshaw drivers in his opinion were the most dangerous drivers of all time , and as I started nodding , he calmly broke a red light turned into a one way in the wrong direction and then proceeded to nearly run over in quick succession a cyclist a dog a cow and then a rickshaw-walla. after which he gestured to the passing rickshaw guy to underscore his point, a bravura performance I have already sent his address to Mr. Daniel Day Lewis.

Managed to meet a bunch of friends of yore , clearly every one has traded in their carefree rocker days for the wonderful suburban life :-) ( too old to rock and roll to young to die :-) ). Was still pretty awesome though. Also everyone and their younger brother ( with a few exceptions ) works for a company(ies) that…….”count on the expertise and experience of its skilled architects and engineers to provide an excellent atmosphere for creative and practical solutions.” Also some of them provide “emphasis on thorough business analysis, robust architecture and clean code all brought together through effective use of agile processes ensures high quality and timely deliveries”.Also others have chosen to emphasize process-driven project management so that projects are handled carefully and professionally, at all times. And finally some “deliver custom applications and provide consulting grounded in reality; they help organizations become efficient through Agile and Lean practices and principles. By hiring exceptional people, we can solve our clients' biggest and most pressing problems. All of our services are offered both on and offshore, and are delivered with pride and passion.”

There who says India is not doing cutting edge awesome stuff in tech.

I think the biggest thing for me is the density of people man and how small the houses etc are here. The US is really blessed in terms of land per person. More later..

Beauty and the hot derriere

So last weekend was at a friends place , potluck , good food , vino, fun conversation, all in all a rather nice relaxed evening . Somewhere during the evening the conversation drifted to a variation on the freebie list ( see friends Season 3 ep 5 essentially list of people you get to sleep with without upsetting anyone ) this conversation was more like a, who’s on your all time hit parade list . Just about everyone's list was predictable and ok ( some surprises though someone bought up Liam Neeson and on some thought I have to say I agree )

Anyway in yet another sign that I am getting too old for most things, I was thinking later on that , at this point in my life what do I find really good looking . We all pay lip service to “beauty being in the eyes of the beholder”, so what do I behold as beauty” Now don't get me wrong a gorgeous derriere is clearly up there, but still what is sublime and transcendent to me !!. Here in no particular order, continuing my obsession with lists is a list of the truly beautiful

1) John Patrick McEnroe at Wimbledon serving , racing towards the net , his opponents return of serve clearly too good , and OMG a volley that defies the very laws of Physics. For those who are too young to have seen “The Tiebreaker” ( if you have to ask etc etc ) catch it on you tube or something but man John McEnroe was blessed in a way I have not seen since

2) This one is actually two people and there is a curious symmetry about it but Mohammed Azharuddin flicking a ball of his legs , all wrists and the fielders applaud ; the gods smile down and David Ivon Gower’s almost incredibly lazy and languid yet whipcord quick cover drive are truly amazing. I am an atheist, but if ever there was a POC for god it must be these two cricketing strokes. I remember watching Gower play as a kid for the first time and I could not believe anyone could hit it through the off side like that ( in later years Ganguly would come close to achieving that peculiar slow motion gracefulness that many left handed cover drives seem to have but there was only one David Gower) and Azza well I certainly cannot in prose do any justice to the magical flick of the wrist that would transform a full blooded swinging yorker into “that’s 4 more to Azharuddin”

c) Led Zeppelin: No one even comes close like none, maybe floyd and “the doors” but Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are for my money still the amazing producers of sound ever. “Going to california” and “Battle of Evermore” still remain amazing tunes

d) Boyer Moore : (Geeks only warning ) if you ask anyone in a interview how they would implement strstr ( searching one string within another ) 99% of people would give you the naive implementation in which basically you run two loops comparing letter by letter from SrchString and Text and if you miss then start over in the next position in Text. An alternative to this technique is the Boyer Moore search which is incredibly clever but even more interesting to me incredibly beautiful . I remember when I first read about Boyer Moore I literally wanted to jump up and down with joy at the sheer cleverness of this and als0 man thank god I work in an industry where something like this is possible ( shortly after that I continued to do my day job which was shipping Vista so never mind :-) ). The basic idea behind Boyer Moore is this . Say you are searching for the word “Hello” in the string :

Director Ken Annakin had been interested in aviation from his early years when Sir Alan Cobham gave him a flight in a biplane.

Now in the naive method you would first check if the first letters matched ( in other words you would check ‘H’ with ‘D’ ) The cleverness of BM is that, it is way faster to check the last letter. In other words you first check the fifth position in the Text ( thus comparing ‘C ‘with ‘O’ ) The point is if the last letter does not match there is no point in checking the previous letters there cannot be a match . There are complicated wrinkles, see wiki for details, but basically after checking the 5th I will check the 10th again for a ‘O’ because otherwise “Hello” can’t fit there again . Truly a testament to raw intellectual horsepower”

e) George Raymond Richard Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series. It will take too long to explain just read it already ( sic-fi fantasy warning :-) )

f) Kasparov-Karpov World championship Match 1985 ( this would be the first rematch :-) ) Game 16 --Sicilian Paulsen . The Kasparov–Karpov games in the 80’s remain to this day some of the best chess ever and Game 16 is a masterpiece .. again really hard to explain but a really really beautiful game , I have rarely seen such a beautiful game . Chess in general is a truly exquisitely beautiful game ( also can get real ugly sometimes :- )) but some games are like just an amazing trip on shrooms man!!!

g) Finally !! your dogs your kids ( under the age of 10 while they still listen :-) ) and the love of your life will always be beautiful , this is just the way it is :-) I still find my dogs gorgeous and as for my wife from the day I fell in love with her to today she remains gorgeous to me. Chances are pretty good she will be that way tomorrow as well :-)

Some other time : What is UGLY to me :-)

Sacks of Gold aka Caveat Emptor

So once again Wolfram and hart have been shown to be at the center of all things but for this episode we call them Goldman Sachs it seems. The financial crisis is well behind as Wall St and the politicians tell us and who amongst us would not believe them ( never mind that my 401 K is still stuck at 1 K  :-) ).    From the moment this nonsense started and everyone started blaming the folks who did not pay the loans back I personally felt something was very wrong with that picture. People not paying their loans back could not have caused this  level of death doom despair and destruction,  and of course now we all are way more familiar with CDS, CDO’s and my favourite the Synthetic CDO and then we have the Magnetaar trade ( Magnetaar is amazing definitely worth a post on its own )

But the attitude that amazes me the most is that “people should know what they are doing when it comes to investing your money after all its your money you should be careful about what your investment consultant does with it”.   BUYER BEWARE!!!!.

What a charming idea, so lets think this through some more

1) You to the doctors office complaining about a mild pain in your left buttock hoping of course that the cute nurse will want to conduct an hands on investigation ( oh sorry wrong post ) ..so you go to the Doctors office  complaining of a headache. The doctor prescribes a new drug incrediablekickbacksrus-azolex.

Unbeknownst to you you the makers of incrediablekickbacksrus-azolex are paying the doctor a commission for every drug he sells and one of the charming side  effects of this drug is on weekends you would start sounding like William Hung. Naturally you are not pleased and you rush back to the office ( on Monday ) to rave and rant at the Doctor. However you are completely mollified when the doctor points out that “If you had taken the time to do a degree in clinical pharmacology coupled with some classes on Neuro chemical disorders and a smidgin of genetic variation disorders and of course a quick study of  statistics  to evaluate the results of the lab results of the clinical studios on the drug you almost certainly would have known that this was going to happen to you . BUYER BEWARE!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that doctor was right after all….

2) It is that time again , aka time to buy a new car. but this time you are prepared and so the process goes incredibly smoothly and you pat yourself on the back ( well in your head anyway ) and  head out with your new pride and joy. Sadly what you did not know was that the car you bought was an absolute disaster because of course as it turns out there is only one place in town where you can get it serviced\fixed. Filled with the righteous anger of a Juvenal , you head back to the shop but thankfully a painful scene is averted as the dealer points out if you had only taken the time to do the mechanical Engg. degree( like your grand-dad suggested when you told him about computers )and had you super specialized in automotive construction and design and of course spent some time as an apprentice mechanic then this would clearly have never happened to you.. BUYER BEWARE!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that dealer was right after all….

3) I am thinking of painting the den( kindly stop giggling in the back .. what  ?yes well technically the wife is thinking of painting again but we are of one mind , yes well I would rather lie in bed eating pizza and watching tv but this  is awesome do it together fun time what? yes well .. oh shut up ) . So you head of the the holiest of the holy ( home depot of course ) and the nice friendly paint salesgirl  ( blonde since you ask )  tells you about this incredible new paint product called “craptasticInc”. Apparently it will make your walls glow like nothing you have seen and cure world hunger etc etc. In your minds eye you can already see what a spectacular finish this will look like , 8 hours later the paint has damaged the walls and roof  beyond repair your general contractor takes one look at the damage calls home and tells his kid not to worry and to start applying to the colleges after all ,” No no the fees won’t be a problem now”. You stare at the ruins of your dreams and hopes and head back to the store… damn chemical structural and materials management were the ones you did not study this time apparently ..BUYER BEWARE!!!!. you chuckle thinking to yourself damn that salesgirl was right after all….

By now I am sure the astute reader has noticed a trend while the vapid and concerned reader is amazed at how much bad luck I am having . I don't know anyone would agree with caveat emptor in any of the cases above so what is different with money. When I buy a product or SPECIALISED advice I pay for said product\service and as such am entitled to protection ( at least in a civilized society ) What is about money that makes otherwise sensible people say … “well its your money you should take care of it”. well its your health why blame the doctor and pharma if they poison you.

And the thing that blows my mind is Goldman saying “well the counterparties to this deal were banks to clearly they knew what they were doing and so we did not disclose the adversarial position we had on the deal with another client who oh by the way was also setting up the portfolio of what went into the Synthetic CDO” (  almost certainly most of this is legal , but well of course it is legal Goldman paid a lot of lobby money in the late nineties to get the law written for god’s sake )

Translation : Doctors are not entitled to any protection from fraudulent drugs and corrupt doctors

Closer-to-home-translation: I buy some software that installs a couple of root kits some malware etc  but that's my fault since as a software person  I clearly am supposed to know what I am doing. ( spelunk and grok the exe you lazy swine ).

I guess bottom line I don't understand the buyer beware attitude when it comes to investments…

 

Next Time : The magnetaar trade and damn why couldn't I have thought of that :-)

10 step plan to lose weight ( guaranteed or your money donated to a charity of my choosing)

At the start of this year I weighed about 273 pounds currently I have lost about 50 ish pounds ( which still makes me pretty fat ) but its been an interesting journey and I thought I’d condense everything I’ve learnt into 10 simple rules if you will( I just love giving back to the community don't you know )

< Editor’s Note : Some of these steps at first glance , or even the 1000th , seem unrelated to weight loss. Mr Chandran has assured us that we are entitled to our point of view.>

1) Donate your remote control to Goodwill

2) Eat your soup with chopsticks

3) Attempt to convince the patent office to patent of your latest invention , a bridge that goes half way across a river and then turns back making a giant horseshoe for people who tend to change their mind a lot.

4) Attempt step 3 only this time on the phone---using sign language

5) Learn mandarin from a Cantonese speaking instructor

6) Use the X box as a pair of dumbells

7) Watch the movie “Memento” backwards

8) Drink only between the hours of 09:00 to 08:00 hrs. Use the remaining hour wisely

9) Try and convince the IRS that your paunch is a dependant deduction

10) Also Eat less and Run more . Also.