Threnody A tale in three or more parts

Chapter 2 : Iran

 

The Story so far

Blonde Was amazed at the quality of Dawlish’s intel. How the hell had the old man figured out Iran. Security had been air tight . Who the hell could have talked ? Dawlish was droning on in the background about “procedural violations”  and “breaches in the code of conduct “.
Blonde took a deep breath, his legendary powers of concentration coming to the fore
“There is just one thing Home Secretary”
“Cant it wait 007 I am just moving to the alliterative crescendo of my denunciation now “
“Sadly no , I fear I have found the fatal flaw in your argument about Iran “
“Really” ? “Oh yes most certainly”, “Are you sure 007”.” I think so Dawlish” “Well I cant wait to hear it then” “I was never in Iran last year”
The phone rang , it was the Imperial March from Star wars of course. Blonde was mildly interested at the coincidence , it was his habit to play this at his flat just before he undressed for the ladies.
“M here, I see hmm are you sure , this has been verified. Very well ”
“Gentleman an international crisis of incredible proportions has arisen , I fear this review will have to wait , Blonde your country needs you again “
“Blonde!”
“BLONDE !!!!”
“Oh sorry chief I was thinking about the time when Princess Leia… er never mind”
“What is the crisis dear lady” Lord Dawlish croaked
M took a deep breath . “ 14 hours Samsung and PSY ( gangnam style) and some other unknown entities successfully lobbied the govt of South Korea to retaliate for the whole rectangular button thing. The Koreans have now copyrighted and patented the use of the word baby in a pop song.  While no confirmation exists there a strong rumor that the North Koreans are planning to retaliate  against South Korea for thinking of this first by copyrighting about 50% of all rap video finger gestures or all of sign language no one is sure which yet “
Blonde smiled his incredibly lazy languid  yet strangely attractive smile. “You find this funny 007” Lord D snapped angrily.
“Well clearly the North Koreans don’t understand what retaliation means now do they” Blonde chortled
“That may well be 007” M said “ but have you considered the scope of this tragedy, if the South Koreans win this lawsuit it will be the end of civilization as we know it !!!!”
“oh come now chief isn't that a little..”
“The end I say , have you seen the modifications to the Brittany Spears song , that the Koreans have proposed “
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
How was I supposed to know
That somethin' wasn't right here
Oh “person aged less than 5” “person aged less than 5”
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're right out of sight yeah
Lord Dawlish staggered to pour himself a drink,  “Blonde you must fix this “
“How”
“M?”
M sighed “ He’s right you know 007 you need to fix this “
“Yes but How”
“The key of course is Apple , or samsung or PSY or the WTO hearing next week in Doha”
“Where do you think you should start ?”
Blonde thought hard and long
“I am going to start in Brazil” he announced
“But but but …”
“Precisely Lord D , you are smarter than I thought , it is about butts after all “ I am a guest judge at the http://www.missbumbumbrasil.com.br/candidatas/


Next Time “ Brazil”

Parasites all

PARASITE :

• from the ancient Greek , a person who received free meals in return for amusing or impudent conversation
• Latin : parasitos, “person who eats at the table of another”

 

So suppose you worked at Microsoft( Editors Note: The editors wish to categorically and absolutely deny  any liability whatsoever , if you should suffer temporary and or permanent damage by playing around with the authors hypothetical's ), now imagine if you will , that one fine day you happen to be interviewing a candidate for the position of  Software development Engineer( what it happens , people still want to work for MSFT you know !). Say your interview goes thusly

You : smiling genially to break the ice “ So tell me , my dear fellow, why do you want to work for Microsoft”?

Candidate : Leaps to his feet and gesticulates like a mad man and start tearing up little pieces of paper and flinging them hither and thither “Microsoft is the world’s most evil corporation, it murders innovation and little babies, it stifles all competition and water boards all open source projects, further more MSFT shamelessly copies APPL ( blessed be his name and blessed be his works ) , MSFT is responsible for global warming the Rwandan massacre and , this is not that well known , but Dancing with the Stars(DWTS) too”. Deep Breath!! “Also they sell the worst products in the world causing death, doom, destruction, despair, war, famine, genocide and  oh they make their employees work on Saturdays sometimes,  and they STACK RANK !!!!!!

You :  “Ah er yes ( DWTS  hmm that is problematic ) so hmm yes so but yes ah ha and so also.!!! Hmm , so why er software development my dear fellow

Candidate :  “I will do absolutely nothing as an SDE write no code whatsoever thus fixing Microsoft.”

You : “Hmm yes I see what you mean , well er that is say do you mind while I dial security old boy”

I leave it as an exercise to the reader on whether “candidate” was offered a job.

In fact all of us even if we are somewhat gray matter challenged and oh I don't know from Kentucky or Louisiana or some such “Darwin Denier State” would probably conclude that said candidate was unlikely to be offered a job

In other News! Generic Tea Party candidate stump speech

I hate Govt , Govt. is the problem , Govt causes tooth decay, depression, rape, incest, war, drug addiction, abortion, traffic jams, unemployment, marital infidelity, bad beats at poker, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. WE SHOULD ALL HATE GOVT , GOVT SHOULD NOT EXIST I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MATH OR THE DEBT CEILING , all i know is govt very very very bad.

PLEASE GIVE ME  A GOVT JOB WITH GOVT BENEFITS.

and please do this every two years

Thank you

PS: Down with the govt you know it causes Down Syndrome right

PPS : Cutting taxes will fix tooth decay, depression, rape, incest, war, drug addiction, abortion, traffic jams, unemployment, marital infidelity, bad beats at poker, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WTF!!!

I cannot think of any other place where claiming to hate the job and the institution you are applying for qualifies you the job!! You know, there is somewhat of an honest debate to be had about what the role and size of the govt should be but I don’t think its too much to ask, that if you are asking for a taxpayer funded govt job , the least you can believe in , is govt.!!!!

I mean look at that clown Ron Paul ( the so called intellectual force behind the libertarian wing of our August legislative body) about 22 or 24 years in congress drawing a salary and sucking at the taxpayer teat for all those damn years and what have we got in return from him ??

NADA ZIP NOTHING !

ONE FUCKING PIECE OF LEGISLATION PASSED. JUST ONE . The bill allowed for a federal customhouse to be sold to a local historic preservation society ( I cannot understand how this was not a law all these years and how we managed without it ). In 22 years !!!!!.  I mean come one why is this guy being paid a salary again ?

Imagine if you will if you hired a software developer who for the first year wrote 0 lines of code. LIKE NONE. His review would probably go something like this

You : “You wrote 0 lines of code this year”

Hapless Employee  : “Well um this company is evil and the cause of all problems you know so…”

You : YOU’RE FIRED YOU MORON AND DONT COME BACK !!!!

IF you are Paulite apparently the conversation goes something like this

 

You : “You wrote 0 lines of code this year”

Ron Paul inspired Hapless Employee  : “Well um this company is evil and the cause of all problems you know so I added no new bugs”

You : wow I mean wow that’s is deep fantastic no bugs amazing here have some stock awards and an awesome raise and anything else?

 

I am just sick of these assholes, seriously ! Do the fucking job you are paid to do, you are legislators, legislate. !! What is so hard about that .  !!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Threnody a tale in three or more parts

Some where in London, July 2012

Richard Blonde( Blonde Dick to his friends just Blonde to others)  stood up and stretched. He was in a thoughtful mood which was strange for him . 20 Years !!!. 20 Years of loyal service to his Majesty’s Secret Service , from the mountains of Afghanistan to the rides of Disneyland , Blonde had seen it all ( well almost everything he never had seen M naked yet which was probably a good thing ) and now to be reduced to this !!
“Damn it this was getting positively maudlin” , Blonde told himself. Chin up old boy you’ve dealt with far worse , but that sinking feeling in his innards would not go away . He stared at his watch again , “she sure was taking her time” he thought .
Some where in London, Adjacent Room July 2012

The “She” in question was Lady Margret Bernadette  Ysobel Cunningham the current head of the MI 6.4.002.332  ; known far and wide as “M” . Her friends would have called her Margret but owing to the fact that she had no friends this was not a problem. M literally had seen everything included herself naked. That experience was still costing her a fortune in therapy especially because every time she opened  up to a therapist she had him killed.
“Send him in funnymoney”
Blonde strolled in , years of training making his gait seem almost panther like. “You know Lord Dawlish Blonde”. “Home Secretary a great pleasure “. “Thank you 007 a grave business this “
“Indeed”
“Yes someone seems to have killed Dr. Phil and I think..”
M cleared her throat , there was no doubt who was in charge, “Shall we begin gentlemen, we are gathered here today as required by subsection 4 Para 3 of the amended  MI6 code of conduct act”.
“As such I must now inform you Mr Richard Blonde that your annual performance review is underway”
Blonde sucked wind no matter how often he had told himself this would never happen…..
“You know how much  I prefer brevity Blonde so I will just say it , one the new improved ( M rolled her eyes)  performance metric scale ( PMS) where 1 indicates  excellence of the highest order and 5 requires a level reclassification hearing, you Blonde are a 5”
Blonde swore an oath and in one smooth motion moved to kill Lord Dawlish with his bare hands but in the end his training won out and he contented himself by turning a cartwheel.
“How could this happen Chief”?
The Home secretary interjected, “there is this thing called the calibration curve you see and we find..”
“One more word Lord Dawlish….”
“That will be enough Blonde” M growled, “The number is final and locked up we are here to discuss whether you are to be reclassified  as a Single O agent
Blonde could not believe his ears, his legs almost gave way. “Single O” was the  worst classification possible in this business.  You could not kill anyone on weekends , on weekdays you could not kill anyone after 5 PM 6 with DST. Your had to have your martinis stirred, you were not allowed to have sex with the hot chick and YOU HAD TO BANG the hot chicks fat or ugly friend( sometimes both ). It was a nightmare
Training will tell though , from the depths Blonde stirred, “I demand an administrative review”
“That is your right Double or Single Oh Seven ,  Lord Dawlish if you would please”
“Certainly dear Lady , well Blonde in the first place there is the question of your visibility “
“I AM A SECRET SERVICE AGENT SECRET SECRET !!!”
“Yes maybe but also you have been submitting all your status reports in the wrong format “
“WHAT !!!”
“And finally there is the issue of Iran last Year”
Iran!!! Consummate professional that he was Blonde’s expression did not betray a thing but his heart started racing
“Yes Iran”

Next Time “ Iran”

Case Study for MBA interns

Player A is writing an App in his spare time hoping to strike Instagram like success. To hedge his bets however he has also purchased a lottery ticket .

Player B is a bit of a radical and has chosen a completely different strategy. He has bought two lottery tickets.( I know right !!)

Please answer the following questions

 

1. Who is more likely to succeed amongst the two players
2. Who is more likely to get laid
3. Where is player C
4. Explain why in your opinion player D can never exist
5. Are A and B playing the same game. If not which game would you prefer to play . Argue passionately against your preference
6. Sing your argument to the tune of any lady gaga song before she assumed the name Lady GaGa
7. With reference to Q 1) do you think your answer would have  been different if the players were on the island on Lost
8. Are you sorry you are still reading
9. Now?
10. Seriously!!!

A brief look at Employer-Employee relationships, trends, variations thereof, interviewing tactics etc.

So way back, like 2000 ish  one of my close friends from college, who was in Delhi then , started dating\seeing  someone( who would also eventually go on to become his wife so good job there ).

Naturally when this happened I was quite keen on meeting her. Sadly I was in Pune , had just started working , money blah blah . So of course I did what every self respecting software engineer in those days did “Travel By Interview”. After careful thought I opted for Adobe they flew me there put me up I even attended the interview met my friend etc.

I think I even got the job but that is pretty orthogonal to this discussion. What really stood out about that entire process was how obnoxious I could be in terms of my demands with the company ( no this car wont do please send me another one , this hotel room is unacceptable kindly upgrade etc ) and they just took it . We are going to call this THE job seeker friendly environment ( pre dot con( not a typo)  bubble) aah those were the days .

Fast forward to early 2009 , post crash. First off,  no one was hiring . In the hilarious chance some one was,  the typical ad looked as follows :

Candidate must posses following technical skills

• this
• that
• other

Also candidate must be

• Fluent in 4 languages,
• have won a gold medal in an Olympic non traditional sport ( synchronized swimming ok ) ,
• be willing to work a minimum of 44 weekends a year ,
• be flexible in terms of sharing a cubicle with four other individuals,
• must constantly try to find ways to improve their managers morale by up to and not limited to doing the gardening picking up the laundry and providing day care services
• Pass a Level 1 background (criminal , credit and social media feed) check
• Must be opposed philosophically to pay raises bonuses and fair compensation.
• Have a good attitude

This is what we call a job seeker um you know environment..

And that brings us to 2012 where a peculiar balance now exists between  employer and employee especially in tech . Now as an interviewer you are of course committed to hiring the best your org can afford but you are also keenly aware that the next round of layoffs might be just around the corner . Here are some helpful interview questions to make sure potential candidates don’t get too carried away with their notion of Self worth

Q1)  You are attending a meeting , five minutes in,  the senior member at the meeting asks for your opinion. You provide a brilliant and insightful analysis of the situation and are clearly admired by everyone there. At that point you realize you are in the wrong meeting . What will you do ?

<insert meaningless candidate answer here >

Follow Up comment : What would you do now, if I told you , you were interviewing for the wrong job\group\company

Awkward Pause

You laugh and move on to the next Question

Q2) What are you looking for in terms of work life balance

<insert meaningless candidate answer here >

Follow Up comment : HAHAHAAHAH  I mean yes very good we admire optimism

Awkward Pause

You cough and move on to the next Question

Q3) Suppose you have a linked  list. What can you do with it on a weekend. How is this different that on a weekday. Assume that alcohol is allowed on the weekend but the list is currently a teetotaler

<insert meaningless candidate answer here >

Follow Up comment :I think that would only work for a doubly linked list don’t you ?

Awkward Pause

You grimace and move on to the next Question

Q4) Your manager’s favorite movie is the Titanic and he insists on starting every day with a 15 minute random clip as a form of motivation. What is the maximum amount of workplace violence you think you can get away with when facing a jury

<insert meaningless candidate answer here >

Follow Up comment : hypothetically would your answer change if I told you, my previous question was not hypothetical

Awkward Pause

You stare coldly and move on to the next Question

Q5) Who in your opinion is most suited to do your job instead of you . State your answer in the form of a haiku.

<insert meaningless candidate answer here >

Follow Up comment : Very interesting , now this time answer it in a way guaranteed to generate a HR violation

Awkward Pause

You smile thank the candidate for coming and end with “Thank you for not having any questions for me …”

Next Time : How to deal with interviews as a candidate in the current job climate