Tales From the Crypt : A Tale of two interviews Part One : Dressed for Success

In my long ( oh so long ) professional life like most of us I have conducted hundreds of interviews and have seen it all from the guys who are clearly smarter and brighter than me, thus allowing me to get on my high horse and exploit the fact that I am the one asking questions to the candidates who in my opinion have  managed to get stuck in Darwin's  waiting room somehow. Still some are absolute standouts in my mind……

The first job I did was at a place called Ruksun,  now for the six billion odd people who have never worked there you have my sincerest sympathies. I only stayed there for about an year but man it was hands down one of the greatest places to work ever.  Ruksun had made living and working at office 24/7 really really easy they were basically located in a bunch of bungalows with pretty awesome facilities for sleeping , bathing ( optional ) on site so it was not uncommon during crunch ( aka all the time) to hang out there for days on end  ( also fully functional pool table helped )

Anyhow so cut to a Saturday, I had been working without a break for silly things like bathing shaving etc for about 72 hrs ( did manage to grab some sleep though ).  Whilst words cant really do justice to my appearance lets just the say the UN Commission for refugees and homeless was offering me princely sums to appear in their advertisements to raise money . I also was wearing ( it was 9 in the morning on a Saturday for gods sake ) these incredibly short white shorts ( no they were not boxers although the diff was hard to tell ) and a T shirt which was half stain and half toothpaste and its color was somewhere between “Mystery’ and “Whaaaaa” .

So anyhow I was sort of lazing in the sun coffee in hand debating whether to go home or sleep or work when out of nowhere ( keep in mind this was 9 in the morning and I had not yet finished my coffee ) the HR lady turns up and half yells and half hisses at me  “Did you not remember you are supposed to interview fellow today”   ( it is a testament to what Ruksun stood for that in spite of almost an incredible degree of pain that flitted across her face on viewing me in all my sartorial splendour she did not suggest I spend some time on rejoining the human race )

So  I grabbed a copy of said resume and ambled over to the lobby. Picture if you will a brochure for the “what the well dressed man is wearing to a power interview”. Well our candidate could have walked right of the centerfold from his perfectly fitted  suit to his shiny shiny leather shoes to the knife like creases on his trousers the guy radiated supreme elegance. I meanwhile proceeded to carefully wipe my hands on my T shirt then realized my hands had gotten worse so then proceeded to wipe them on my shorts before shaking  hands with him.

It is rare to be able to realize fully how others view oneself but in this case the guys face was like the most expressive thing I have ever seen. Horror and anger were woven together so seamlessly that at first I thought he was having a stroke but then when you added the silent tear behind the laugh it was clear that what he really wanted was out  of here.

I can see it now , with hopes in his heart and song on his lips he must risen bright and early that morning  and chosen what to wear with so much care and thought and as he walked into the Ruksun Lobby he must have been filled with the confidence that comes to those whose shoes are polished just right and whose trouser creases are sharp and crisp and then ….. me

Interviews in Ruskun usually have two people interviewing the candidate and I forget who the other guy was and the interview itself was fairly boring ( he did not get the job ) but there was a moment that will stand out in my mind forever…., as a witty and whimsical attempt to break the ice , early on , I told the guy “Six months ago my friend I used to dress just like you , this is what Rusun has  reduced me to , and yes it will happen to you too .. Do you still want in”

I will never forget the actual pause on the guys face as he seriously considered this question , I could not help it I just started laughing hysterically ( which I am sure made he feel right at ease :- ) )

Next Time : What to do in a group discussion when someone like me is in charge AKA weep softly, curl up into a ball and whimper.